Patience

Soul Mates

The Place Most People Fail To Notice

I’m at lost for words to describe the way I feel. Usually when my emotions start to make a havoc in my life, I will use words to silence them and make the chaos to subside. But it has been years and years without me even touch the keyboard to write a decent piece of art. I call it art, because that’s what feelings are. They painted your life in most amazing way. You can either thank them or curse them for the upheaval they cost you to feel. You can cry because of them, or you can laugh when you understand how ridiculous they’re sometimes. Usually because of the way you think that created those feelings in the first place. I think if you really listen to your thoughts and shed some lights on them, you will understand that they actually are not at all there to make you feel less than you are. Even though it could feel like that sometimes, the only way to really understand yourself is to actually make time to be alone and sits with your thoughts. Many people fears to be alone because they’re afraid of their own thoughts and how thoughts can make them feel about themselves, but actually when you really make time to be with yourself, you will get to know the person behind your thoughts. You will no longer feel that you are an empty shell with no depths. It could be scary at first when you approach your inner depth, but when you do it many times and start to get to know the real you underneath the surface you will actually be more confident in who you are. 

Sometimes we aren’t conscious about the fact that we are afraid to be alone. We think it’s boredom to be alone and not having anything to do, and when we actually are alone we tried to avoid to listen to our own  thoughts and start finding someone to keep us in company or just getting busy doing something else rather than to hear what we actually think. It took me awhile before I really understand that I have been avoiding the alone time by finding stuff to do, I was always busy finding someone to talk with and never really listen to myself and understand why I sometimes felt empty and lonely. 

My childhood wasn’t perfect and there were always time my parents argued and made things difficult for me and my siblings to feel appreciated and loved, so the feeling of emptiness and loneliness stem from that upbringing. I guess most of us have had bad experiences from early on and as we grew up we didn’t learn how to deal with those emotions that made us feel less than we are. I believe that there are many people like me who try their best to search for the love they felt they never had. I also think that the people before me also did embark on that journey to find themselves and the love they so dearly desire. No matter who and in what age, younger or older than me, we both share the same wish. We wish to feel loved and accepted as we are. 

So why is it so important to be alone and listen to our thoughts? Because only when we are conscious about our thoughts pattern can we resolve them in a more positive way instead of letting those thoughts making us fearful and destroy our chance to be happy. Some of the thoughts aren’t really ours to begin with. We might have adopt them from the people near us or from the society and media. We might even pick them up in the supermarket or in crowded place full of people. I have read and heard that thoughts are actually energies. They come in ripples and can expand in multitude ways and from what I know we actually identify ourselves with them thoughts. When we identify ourselves with those thoughts, we think that we are them, and yes, it’s possible that we can be those thoughts, because Buddha once said «We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.» 

So how do we purify our minds? I think to purify our minds we must first hear what we actually think in the daily basis. You have probably heard about meditation, if not then I must mention it here, since I have actually practice it for awhile and really benefit from it. My mind become much clearer and I can be more aware of what I think. Meditation is not just sitting at one place. There are multitude way to do it. In this time of age, many are having difficulties getting time to meditate, because usually when you meditate you will have to sit at one place and doing nothing. That’s how you can relax better and not being distract. But I have experience that I can still meditate while washing the dishes or taking a walk. Everything lies in the breathing. For example when you are conscious on your breathing, notice the feeling of touching the water, how your hands washing the dishes, you might do it slow or fast, doesn’t matter how you do it, just be in that moment and feel. Start noticing that everything become silent. Your thoughts are coming in many different forms. Maybe it’s joyful thought, maybe it’s a anxious thought. No matter what thoughts that come, just let them flow by your mind, don’t get attach to them, just listen. When you do it often enough you will understand yourself and your feelings better. 

While we tends to search for peace and happiness outside ourselves we neglect to really go inside of us and listen to our heart. The joy, the happiness and the peace have always been inside our heart. We just fail to notice it. That’s the only true place where we can truly be all that we want to be. What most of us really desire the most is love and peace. That’s what I believe to be true. The true power is not to know everything or attain a lot of knowledge, but to really love everything and attain peace. Maybe I’m wrong to believe that, but I have hope in humanity and faith in God. What He has created is beyond our imagination. The universe is vast and there are galaxies and planets out there that are far more bigger than ours. To be living on this earth are our blessing. Isn’t it amazing that we share this earth with each other throughout many generations and still our species has survived? Our problems are smaller than we think they are. Just take a break from everything and really go deep inside yourself, find some alone time and discover the universe that lies inside your heart. Thoughts are merely energy, and they really shape your reality, so what you think can affect the life you live. The only place most people fail to notice are really their hearts.

Desire For Passion

If we were tied together by an invisible string, does it mean that we will never be apart? 

The feeling of grief when you lost someone, someone that means a lot to you will only last for a brief moment. Maybe it will take weeks or months, if worst, years and years, but at the end you will understand that grief is something you have to go through in order to be thankful for the time you shared. 

After being so high on love, I have hit the bottom. My passion is drained, and I feel I have lost a part of myself. Over the past four years, I have learned so much, but still I feel I’m not yet there I want to be. 

The wind blew so gently this past few days made me wanna open myself up for new opportunities. Right now I’m not sure where my life is heading. I feel like I’m a bit stuck, even though things keeps moving forward. Sometimes my heart skipped a bit for no reason, like it want’t to tell me about the passion I have lost for life and love. The reason why I feel stuck is that I don’t have any feelings towards anyone right now, and my passion about it actually connects me with writing. To write have always been my greatest freedom to express myself, but since I have lost touch with who I am, I seems to lost interest in writing as well. 

I seems pretty normal in my daily life, going about and doing my chores, but deep down inside I still wish that I’m doing what I like and having the best relationship I could ever have. Anything of that would be great. Reality is nothing like fantasy, reality is more brutal and full of logic and facts, while fantasy is more colorful and full of hope. 

But then again, isn’t the most thing made out of fantasy? Living in fantasy is sometimes more preferable than living in the real life, although I would rather try my best to achieve my dreams and make them to reality. The point is not to loose sight of my dreams and succumb to living in imaginary alone. 

One day I will absolute make it and feel I'm on top of the world. I aim to go that way for now.  I hope I will achieve what I have set myself out to do and win against the odds. Living life passionately.

Otherwise, I'm G-R-E-A-T! 

Work

To tell you the secret... there's no secret, or maybe there're more than just one secret, but I'm not ready to put it here.. maybe I will never be able to put it here at all. 

I started at Fretex yesterday, a second hand shop, that is owned by Frelsesarmeen. I felt that I'm ready to begin with work again, it wasn't that hard to get up in the morning even though I would rather sleep till noon. I worked from 09:00 am till 03:00 pm. In that six hours I get to be more familiar with my colleagues. They seems to be very nice and helpful. Since it was my first day at work they was pretty kind to me. Work was fine, it was actually not that bad after being showed around the building, I began to get familiar with the task and routine they taught me. At first I stand and sort out clothes to be send up to the shop for sales, and in the meantime I was sorting out clothes that looks good enough to be selling and some that is less than fine to be send to Poland. 

Today I get to be upstairs in the boutique with one of my colleague. It was fine the first 2 hours, then I got so bored, something wasn't quite right, I felt that I was only in the way or just roaming around doing nothing. I felt an urge to get downstairs again and sorting out clothes instead. The good thing about this job is that I'm able to schedule it as I like it, I mean, I can go with my own pace. There's no hurry or stress abut this job, so I'm thankful for it.

There's some surprises when it comes to love life.... I feel, I want to settle down, I wish that it's possible..

Attachment.

I think we all have something in common. Attachment. Ok, so, maybe not everyone of us, but at least some of us.. If you feel it resonate with yourself that's it. Well, lately I have been thinking. What is actually the feeling when someone suddenly disconnect from us and left us feel lonely and sometimes even worst hurtful? And make us think that we might have done or said something wrong. We questioned ourselves of our abilities of being a human being or being loveable. Why I'm writing about this is because the dark place in my heart have surface during the full moon, and I feel that it has to come up for me to shed some light to it.

The feeling of loneliness when someone disconnect is because we feel attach to them. And attachment isn't a bad thing, but it can rule over us if we don't learn to love the part of us that is yearning to be accepted. I think that I might be able to accept it as it is.  Attachment is a form for connection in this world. When we connect, we get attached to each other, and when suddenly we become disconnected abruptly we tend to feel that there's something missing, and we think that it is love. It could be love, or just the ego trying to control the situation, it doesn't want to lose it identity as a person feeling lonely. It creates a image of love, that we must have that person to be happy, but it fail to make us happy, because we can't own a person with free will, we can't own someone who doesn't belong to us, we can't control the future. Anything could happen.  

So attachment goes in and force us to understand that we need to detach ourself from what we love, so it won't become difficult when the situation isn't in our control. And the feeling of disconnection with a person is only a temporary feelings that will go away when we learn to accept that attachment is not to be feared. Attachment is a call from our soul that what we get attach to is actually something that we cherish and feel important about. That's what I have learned when I feel that I'm attach to this person who gave me lots of attention but now suddenly disconnect from me entirely. 

I must say that this isn't the first time I'm feeling attach to someone. I have gone through it many times and it's still a mystery to me that I haven't learned it. And yeah, when I haven't learned to accept myself fully. When I will feel lonely because someone detached themselves from me I know now that it is because I value that person very much, and I feel that we must have some sort of agreement to meet each other in this life time to help each other with the self love issue. Well, I believe in souls, so I think we have some agreements with our soul mates and twin flame soul mates on how we would meet and how we can do to help the other person to rise up to the feeling of  unconditional love.

It's important to truly accept ourselves as we are, with all the feelings we have. The lessons will continue when we haven't mastered it or learn from it, the same feelings will arise in many different way, but we all learn it bit by bit and go on a pace that's more suited for each one of us. 

So, if you feel attached to someone right now, and they don't feel the same attachment with you, just slowly detached yourself from it and accept the feeling of attachment. You will be much more happy. Value the person, they might have given you the best gift. They have drop a clue for you on how to love yourself more. 

The Time I Couldn't Sleep

It's late, but I have an uneven sleep pattern these days. Being up all night and sleep till late evening. Being awake like this and doing nothing is just what I have being doing lately, even though I tried my best to write. 

This blog hasn't improved that much either since I haven't been active with it at all. I don't know when I stop to write entirely, but it seems like I have lost inspiration and even worst don't feel like writing. 

The moment I become sentimental and reminiscing about my past love is the moment I listen to a good romantic song. I still think of her, even though the longing isn't that strong anymore. I learn to live without her in my life while I keep thinking if she would ever come back. The future is mysterious and exciting, I really wonder what would happen to me in the near future and if I would ever see her again.

Life, not something you would waste, but at times difficult to not wander of or be distracted. I thought about it and come to a conclusion. The whole time while I was trying to help people, I neglected myself. So this time around I will dedicate time to myself where I can replenish and practice what I have learn through reading self help books. There're so many things I need to improve. My soul, body and mind need to be balance. And I have to use this opportunity to do just that.

I'm not saying that helping people is a waste of time, but I think you have to be careful not to make them dependent in you for help each time there are problems. And watch out for those who take advantage of your kindness. Being compassion and help people in need are always a good thing, but setting boundaries are also another thing you have to remember to do if you face a person who doesn't want to help themselves.

I don't think it's a bad thing to think about yourself, because when you are in balance and accept that you need to give time to yourself, then helping others will come naturally. You will also be more joyful when you actually have more to give. Helping others shouldn't be an obligation, but rather a free choice, an act of kindness. Think about it for a moment, when you are force or being manipulated to help someone, wouldn't you resent yourself more afterwards? I know how it feel, because I have step on that path many times during my life, however I have learn from it and actually I'm more aware of how people treat me. I can notice when people are genuine towards me or not.

Enough said, I will certainly contemplate more about this topic and doing my best to write when I have the time to do so.