Love, Immensely Powerful

So we all have some issue, some troubled thoughts, a chattering mind that make us crazy anxious and tired. What if we don't know how to turn negative thoughts to positive one? And lost the willingness to stay positive, and what if we just want to lie down and cry our eyes out? Why wouldn't it be ok. To just sit with the feeling of hopelessness, sit through the bad times and start to understand why we feel it that way? Why can't we find an understanding to our feelings? Maybe there's no explanation to it, but there might be a reason for those feelings to erupt. And it's surely not something we need to hide and be a shame of. It's not something we need to reject, because it's a part of us, it's how we are made. With feelings and emotions we are more of a human than robots and machines. 

When we sit through the worst time and start to acknowledge our feelings without judgment we will find a better understanding about ourselves; we are love. So why can't we just be ourselves with others by being honest about how we feel without trying to manipulate others to give us what we think we need to feel loved? We are love, and isn't God love? If we are love and God is love, wouldn't it make us; God? We don't need to be fix, we are complete and whole, because there is nothing wrong with being God. The power of God is love. Hence we are what we are; love, immensely powerful.

Blessings

Miracle

God; Love; Me; ... Us

It all begin with a hallow space in the heart, and the soul seems to just shrink in size which couldn't fit in the hollow space in the heart at all. It was too small, it didn't fit in, but get swallowed completely and so the soul disappear. I search for a while, but didn't know what I was searching for. 

First and foremost, I tried to find the meaning to life by walking in my parents shoes, but somehow it didn't fit me. I stumble while having them on, I fell several times since it was too big for my feet and I almost crawl, hell yes, I did crawl. I thought meaning to life was to sacrifice myself, in hope to find myself useful for my parents, but then I got myself lost in the role I played as a daughter. I spent my time trying to impress them, doing things that I thought might fill my heart; that hollow space which seems to swallow everything I came across. It swallowed my role as a daughter as well and being obedient and respectful towards my parents with much higher authority than me was less satisfying than I thought, because it means I have to swallow my pride and my voice for justice against them. There were so many things I would want to do, but I was restricted to do them since they fear I might fail in the process of doing them. There weren't room for failure and I didn't get to learn to stand up for myself and make my own choice. Wearing their shoes and walking theirs path was tiring, because I didn't get to be a child with wonder and curiosity, I had to grow as fast as I could so the shoes will fit me... I had to play my role as a obedient daughter.

One day, I was to beat up and tired that I resigned my duty as a daughter and wander across the ocean to find myself. A pilgrimage to find something to fit that hallow space. I put aside the meaning of life and search for love. I thought finding someone to give me love was easy, wasn't it just pleasing my beloved and give them everything I had and they will give me the love I need back? But before I could please and give I had to find my beloved. So I tried first with them boys, even though I felt that my heart wants girls, but my mind feared I might get to abnormal that no one in the end want to be with me, so I checked in with the boys, the cool type and mr.popular, but I find it hard to open myself up, since that hollow space seems to swallow my feelings as well. I tried to suggest a date here and there, but none of them was interested. One particular guy said I was a bit ugly so he refused to date me and didn't even want to hang out or be my friend. I looked in the mirror and believed him, I was ugly, I was a teenager without nice clothes and make up, I wasn't like the other girls, I was label the odd one. Miss ugly didn't get a date, I played that role too. I feared to show my face and become shy and introvert that it was difficult to talk to me, and since I was taught to swallow my voice I didn't say much to anyone. I believed them that I was ugly. 

I checked out, didn't want to try the boys anymore, they gave me bad vibes. I moved on to the girls, but not openly. I tried the internet and was open and somewhat myself. Finally, I met someone online. She was ok, a vietnamese and we met, I wasn't in love with her, but she liked me and we end up dating and become a couple. Hurray I thought, finally I have found love, but I didn't know that it was not what I had in mind. It was difficult, suddenly the hallow space started to spit out my feelings (more like emotions). I got jealous and worried because of something she said with her friends and since I already felt that I wished to share them with her, but it didn't end so good since she broke up with me. We met online and I got dumped online *shaking head*. I was devastated and broken and wished the hollow space would swallow me in as well, but it didn't... I got stuck. 

Weeks passed and I got somewhat better and felt that I still have hope, I was done playing the role of an unpopular and ugly girl. Even though I was broken, I still believed that something could change my appearance, that was why I was willing to try make up. I found magic in make up and started to trust my creativity, I painted my face as beautiful as I could, got my brows plucked and wear comfy stylish clothes. I snapped picture of me here and there, in many different angle and then uploaded them on my profile. I felt somewhat satisfied, because there were girls who wanted to meet me, they gave me compliments and I had so much fun dating online that I forgot the brokenness for while. 

In my heart, I still believe that love was everything even though that hollow space become bigger as I grow up. In my mind I still believed I should find my beloved so that she will fill the void in that hollow space... I was wrong and to be honest, I met countless of girls, but my void was emptier than before. None of them was my true beloved, none of them could fill my void, earthly love was difficult to attain. So much sacrifice for nothing and my emotions started to build up. I become weary and burned out because of the pilgrimage that I stopped walking entirely and started to cry. Salty tears that I tasted was truly healing, because I felt once I let the hollow space be hollow I could accept that I couldn't fill it with earthly love, duty and playing roles I wasn't suited for. I was done with sacrificing. I wanted to understand and attain true love and I wished to feel free.

Many years passed and I met people on my path, they all taught me valuable things I could use for later. I abandon earthly love and was in frantic search for freedom. Fortunately, I met this man. This particular man thought me to unlock my heart so I could dive into my hollow space. The void which was empty was no longer terrifying. Emotions from that void was living there in that hollow space. He taught me to be myself, to let go of judgment and turned negative thoughts to positive one, he taught me to be honest about my feelings and open myself up for the possibilities to feel loved, and no one was needed to fill that void or fit in that hollow space... I didn't need anyone, the beloved was myself, the beloved was God. If God was in there, and I'm the beloved, wouldn't I be; God? 

Being myself, honest and open, means being love in action, and if it's love then it's naturally to attract like minded, all I need to remember is that I'm love. My soul magically appear, it didn't shrink as I thought it did, it was maybe so big that I couldn't see it, not until I was allow to while diving my head first into the hollow space. My soul didn't disappear, I just couldn't see it with my heart close. I had to plunge into my hollow space and open my heart to see it. It was miraculously unbelievable to finally feel loved and become one with that hollow space. I was finally home, and now I can accept the role that suited me best. Godly words can't describe how much of a Goddess I am. God; love; Me; ...US. 

Blessings

Miracle 

The Way Of Love and God's Love

To love is to dive deeper in that ocean, to allow yourself to feel the electricity to encircle your entire body. Your soul are aching to share the love that you are. When you fear love, you are hallucinating and believe that you will get hurt if you open yourself to receive it, but to love someone so deeply and truly is sometimes scary, because you might imagine the worst to happen. You fear the death of the ego, that you will loose yourself if you are not in control of your emotions, but as we all know, love is the greatest gift God has given us.

To control yourself from feeling love and to share it, is to close the door to your heart and when someone come and knock at your door, you will get emotional and mixed feelings, maybe you don't know if you are ready to open that door. Open it in spite of your fear, if you manage to get emotional then it's a sign that you are somewhat ready to hear the massage from the messenger, it's God's angel, profet who come at your door to bring you the gift from God. 

God communicate through your heart, He might speak in words or feelings, and to accept your feelings and listen to it, you are accepting His message and you will become alive again to be able to feel your own love emanate from your soul. To be loved from someone you love will shaken you up, mending you, liberates you, and the demon that hold you back from falling in love is your ego. The risk might be big, you might loose yourself, but if you don't risk to get hurt, then you will not truly know love. Maybe loosing yourself is to find the true you, because have you not been wearing the mask to hide your true face or been brought up with wicked rules to follow. So wicked that you might have lost your innocent and pure self? Maybe you will find your pure and innocent self again while walking in circle and loosing your way? Go wild with the thought of love, let the stars pull your hair and heart lead you back to the first time you was in your mother bosom. Drink of that elixir and feel the strong arms that lift you up higher. 

Love is not painful, but the thought of getting abandon and to get hurt is painful, it's overwhelming to love so deep that you might think if you don't possess that one person you will not truly be happy or feel lovable, but no one or thing is your possession. Feelings that isn't been reciprocate are not because you are not enough or worthy of love, but not everyone suits you or meant to be in your possession,  and no one should be in your possession, because they are owning themselves and they are free. 

Be rigid in your desire to know yourself, be unyielding and have strong faith in yourself enough that when you love someone, they feel free to be themselves. Don't hope to be loved by anyone else beside you, because your love for yourself is the core to your soul, it's the light to lighten up the dark so you won't stumble on your path to the understanding of unconditional love for yourself and the world. And mostly the understanding of God's love for everything and everyone. 

The lover keep no secret from her lover, only if she doesn't love herself and yet it seems like she is a mystery to solve since she doesn't show a sign of emotion for those who are after to take over her soul. Secrets are for those who is afraid to be judge for being who they really are and for most of humanity, it might have become a habitual way of living. They fear to be condemn, but secretly yearn to be loved as the way they are. We all are love in action, only if we come to that realization we will be more free and open to receive and share ourselves to others.

Try not to keep a secret or telling lies to God or your lover, because God knows, and your lover will find out, because truth can't be kept. Don't try to change the way God loves you, because His way is more sufficient than yours, and you will approve and accept the way your lover loves you. There's no partnership if we don't regard the lover as our partner. Relationships of all kind spring from the lover, for in friendship we find loyalty, in parents we find unconditional love, in brotherhood we find strong bond and so the lover loves from her being, she possess all the characters from the time she began on her search for true love, and she doesn't divide her lover from God. Because her lover is her God. 

Throw yourself in that ocean and let yourself sink deep, and if you die, let it be the death of the ego. 

Blessings

Miracle 

The Meaning of Being Alive

Sometimes I try to find a meaning to my life, but at some point I just feel like giving up or just ask God to give me a clue. I asked Him what I should do with certain things and I wondered if he actually hear me, but however I know that He would give me a meaning even if I didn't ask. 

It was hard to live a life where you couldn't see a point or meaning in what you were doing or even thinking. Like walking around with a body without any vitality, just exist but not really is "there" to realize that life was meaningful. I'm not sure why I thought my life was wasted or unworthy, and certainly I wasn't sure if being alive or exist has a meaning to anyone. I thought about it a lot and did my best to understand the meaning behind my existence. I beat myself up every time I couldn't find the answer, so I started to criticize myself for being useless, for being stupid etc. 

Being online had somehow given me a meaning to exist, because there I could be myself and took off my mask, because when someone asked me how I felt, I would be honest and actually share my feelings. I was an introvert, I didn't speak much, I wasn't popular at school, so I didn't have so many friends, but when I finally took a step outside my comfort zone, and getting to know more people, I become more sure about my abilities to care and be there for people, I got more friends. It was one particular girl that I bonded really fast. She was a friend of a friend and we got introduce to each other. I didn't thought that we would bond so fast, because we were different, but there were one thing we both have in common, it was our openness, she was herself from the beginning, she never make an excuse for being herself, she was also very friendly and I felt that I like talking to her. It was strange, because I have seen her once before, but never thought that we would ever meet or become friends. Anyway, we talked a lot and found out that we had a lot in common. After talking with her, and since I lived in another town, we started to write letters to each other. 

I felt I can be myself around her and I could tell her how I felt, for the first time without being online, but in real life. She accepted me and my behavior, though I never behaved poorly or bad. I was just being me that time with my emotions. It was a beginning of our friendship, that I also accepted her for who she was; we are best friends now, and we has always been open to each other about how we felt and neither one of us manipulate the other to feel bad about how we felt or who we was; I'm truly lucky to have her as my best friend.

So, now I really think about it again, about the meaning of my life. The first meaning God gave me for being alive and exist was my siblings, the second was my mom and the third was my best friend. After realizing how my existence affect them, I become more sure about life and its meaning. More and more meaning adds up in my life. I become more and more open about my feelings for other people, I'm not saying that I'm not scare to open myself up for people I like, I'm still afraid sometimes, but it doesn't hinder me to be myself or make me want to crawl back to my cave. I hit the balance between being an introvert and extrovert. Life is more interesting now, there's more meaning to it than never before. I'm sure that we exist for a reason, even though we couldn't understand it now, doesn't mean that we would never understand it. 

For those who are depress or alone, don't give up life to soon, even though I know it's hard, even harder to not thinking of killing yourself when the pain is taking over you and your loneliness become like a dark hole. Believe me, I was there, I was also a victim of my depression and the suicidal thought kept crossing my mind. It wasn't a day I didn't think of hating myself for being so depress or that I wasn't worthy to receive any love, but somehow I wasn't alone, I had myself, the person that who would never gave up on myself was me. It wasn't me alone who sticking up to me, a piece of the divine was with me and is still with me. God gave me His divinity, a source inside me and my motivator to keep me staying alive.

Don't freak out when I talk about God, He/She might not exist for you, but whatever it is you perceive to be the source of your life, believe it, have faith in it. Don't forsake your hope to believe that you also is meaningful and worthy of love and a healthful life. Take back your power, and look at yourself as someone worthy of your love, your life has a meaning the day your were conceived, don't forget to search for your meaning if you haven't found it, keep looking, those who search will eventually find it.

Passion In Life

I was once awake, but then I slowly went into hibernation and fell into a dreamworld where I never wanted to be awake again. Something just slowly blossoms inside of me, it took roots in my heart and stirred my soul. I think I can't never be the same again. Where there is hollow and empty spaces I'm there to fill it up. Where there are tears and broken dreams I'm there to rekindle a spark in theirs heart, but then I wish someone would do the same for me. 

I was once a broken glass, which glue couldn't glue me back, but being shattered by the hands that made me, deformed me into this person I could no longer recognize. I was there watching myself transformed even though my mind couldn't perceive what was happening to me, my soul ached to know the supreme power of change. Yes, I was changed, but why have I lost my passion to live? Why do I roam around looking for something I have never had? Maybe the longing for unity made me this way. Storms can't be prevent, but there will always be a place or someone to give me shelter. I still have hope in humanity, and faith in God, maybe that's enough to restore my passion in life again? 

Forgiveness And Understanding; God.

"Never forget the three powerful resources you always have available to you: love, prayer and forgiveness." 

- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

First let me say that I'm blessed. I'm blessed with an open and accepting family and good caring friends who stand by my side. Second, I think I'm better than I think I am.

Even though I have been through lots of dramas in my life and various happenings I still stand tall on my two feet. Life is treating me better now that I've gained the power to discern between right and wrong and how to deal with people that cross my path. I realize that life has always treated me well, I was born to believed that it wasn't so, but I have changed my perception and how I think.

Some people that aren't so familiar with how I am used to fear what I'm telling them. The truth is, I carry a lot of secrets. A dark hollow past that I couldn't shrugged it off. Because it is a part of me. It made me to who I am now in the present. Sometimes it's easy to use it as an excuse to not participate in the social events when I think life is full of challenges, but I have grown tired of parties and being around with lots of people make me feel stuffed. It simply drained me for energies. But I know that I can deal with a large group of people now and then, because I do think that it's a positive challenge. Someday I might stand on a scene talking to young people whose lives depends on other to feel happy and loved. I really want to tell them to love themselves more, because that it's the point in living. Loving themselves and change their perception of themselves and of others.

You see, life happens to us, we live not to do things to get acknowledge for who we are trying to be, but to be acknowledge because we exist. Young people should know that they are worth more than they have learned to believe. So more worthy of love and acceptance. They're not born to earned that, they are born to be loved and to love. If we just taught them how to appreciate what they have more than what they would get, then I think they will be grateful for having a life. Life is so precious. We tends to forget that because we are living in a hectic world. Everyone needs to get to work, worrying that they might not have enough of money to buy things, things that they think would satisfy them, but if they just know that they are rich because they are granted a life they wouldn't having so much worries about how to feed themselves.

I'm aware of the fact that large scale of people in other countries couldn't feed themselves and therefore you might think that maybe having a life for them isn't as fortunate as us, but even so, their lives are precious. But I'm talking to you, who at least have the access to internet and read what I'm writing right now. You are more wealthy than you think you are. So much blessed as any others humans in this world. Wouldn't you take time to count your blessing? Feeling grateful that you have a life? A chance to change yourself or more better; change someone else's life. You count, you make a difference. You're so worthy.

Forget about your past, learn from it and let it go, release your negative emotions and tend to your inner child, I bet it needs a lot of love from you.

I have learned so much by seeking for the truth. I have always been searching for the truth, and I found it, (and I lost it, but at least I know what the truth really is.) The truth is, there's no truth less the truth we are perceiving. Life is truth, you are the truth, not anyone have the same truth, so what? Can't we learn to respect each other view point on how things are? Why do we waste time in arguing, we can discuss, because its give us the chance to understand each other more, but we can't discuss forever of how to living a peaceful life. To live a peaceful life is to act out how we think that would be. We extend kindness when we act in peace and love. We treat people with respect and let them be who they really are. We don't have to change them, because we can't, we can only change ourselves and that would be enough, because people will be affect by us. They will learn how to change themselves if that is what they wish to do.

We tends to judge what we don't understand, but that in itself is innocence, because of our lack of understanding have made us fearful for the unknown. We all have the heart to forgive such behavior because we are made in the same image as God, and God is forgiving. So forgive yourself for judging, and do forgive people who judge you. They don't know you as you yourself know who you really is. No one know who other is, because that's a understanding only for those who really know who they are.

I've made peace with my past and I am less judgemental against myself. Even though I still experience fear of unworthiness. But I affirm to myself that I am good enough and that I love myself as I am.

It was a long process, but it was worth the hour spend on reading books that nurture my soul. When you are in to seek the truth, freedom and love, you will eventually find it. It could take some times before you get to where you want to be, but that is worth it, because you be so much at ease with yourself eventually. So don't be afraid to ask for help, especially God. You can always ask Him for help. Prayers makes wonder in your life. How do I know it? Because I asked God for help. I was nearly on my knees and in a position for praying. I prayed to Him and asked for assistance, and it came. Rushing through the night, when stars are above me. He send me angels in disguise of human beings. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I changed by their affection.

I'm lost in love, and it's such a wonder to be here. I will never want to leave this place. A place so full of forgiveness and love. I am a child of God, and He forgave me for what I have been through, and love me for who I am.

Once Again

To stand in front of her made it hard for me to breathe, just looking in her eyes made me scared, because I couldn't see myself there. She holds someone in her heart and that somebody isn't me. She is in love with someone else, and that teared me apart. I couldn't do or say anything when she said that we should stop seeing each other. 

I was paralyzed to hear her saying those final words. "I have to do it for myself and him, and because of that I choose this resolution, and that is you. I'll of course miss you and think of you, but this time I have to do it and this is my finally decision. Good bye Amaia, I wish you good luck with everything, and tomorrow will brings you a new day with new possibilities."

Even though it was harsh, but I wasn't shocked by her decision, because it happens very often that she would break it off and leave, but she always came back. I was getting use to it, and I hope she would come back this time as well.

My feelings for her were never a lie, it was all true, even to this day I still keep a spot inside my heart for her, and if she ever wants to return I'll be there with open arms. I'm not saying that I couldn't live without her, because the fact is I can. I'm fine without her, and that's a reality. Sometimes I miss her presence, her message and her voice over the phone. I missed how she needs me, that kind of "need" that made me reliable. She could lean on me whenever she wants, and I'm fine with it. 

Most of the time she made me feel fearful, it wasn't her fault, she wasn't a scary person, but I guess I felt that way because I was scared that I wasn't enough for her, that I wasn't beautiful enough, enough of everything that I thought she would accept me for. I feared that she would leave, something that's now coming true. It was inevitable for me to feel that way, because I was living with most of my baggages. I mean, we will always have to deal with the ghost that haunt us day and night, the most perpetual nightmare that will never ends, so it seems. And to meet someone that you love so much will always brings up the fear to feel unloved. 

But it wasn't a lost, because I gain so many powerful insight about myself. I learned to trust in myself and love myself for who I am. She brought my fear up so I could deal with it once and for all. My spiritual journey began to unfold itself in multiplies ways. I could finally break free from those nightmares that I usually had. I felt like I could put an end to my past and freed myself from salty tears whenever I dwell in it. 

I don't dwell in the past anymore, even though some fraction of it still comes up now and then, but it doesn't bother me so much, I'm not tearing up or feeling depressed because I couldn't stop pitying myself over something that happened ages ago. I'm totally free. This freedom become my revolution. 

Some of us are experience the heart wrenche heartache, and some are more lucky to find a harmonious relationship at the first try; both are there to teach us to love ourselves more and both are necessary for us to grow. But we grow much stronger when we have dealt with an obstacle or a painful separation. We become more whole for each time we step into a new relationship with a new found wisdom because we have learned of the previous relationship. 

Some may never step into the spiritual path, while others found themselves eagerly to continue their spiritual journey and wants to embark further into the deep depth of every nook and cradle to find themselves. I'm one of them, one of those who enjoyed to walk on the path to find myself spiritually. 

I did learned a lot and it was the hard way, but I think I'm blessed because I came out alive and unharmed. This was thanks to God that I believe in so much, even though I in times doubt if He/She exist. (May God forgive me for my doubts.) While I embark on this journey, I pray that I might encounter a new adventure with someone that eventually will let me open up to love, once again.