Mitt Indre Barn

Jeg føler det igjen, følelsen av å være uelsket. Frykten for å bli forlatt kryper seg langsomt nærmere og nærmere meg. Jeg skal virkelig innrømmer at det er en forferdelig følelse som jeg ikke har lyst til å føle, men likevel, når jeg ser på det så er det bare en uskyldig følelse. Som et lite barn ventet på å bli erkjent.

"Overgir, overgir og øs mer kjærlighet til det lille barnet i deg." "Det lille barnet vil bare bli elsket slik den er..." "Bare vær ærlig, innrøm det... tiden er inne for å gi slipp på frykten og vit at du er elsket." "Lytt til ditt indre barn og gi slipp på frykten, gjør det for deg selv."

Greit, jeg skal være ærlig med deg, det er vondt å tro på illusjonen om at jeg er uelsket og forlatt! Det er ikke det jeg vil for andre, og mest av alt vil jeg ikke det for meg selv. Det gjør vondt, det gjør V-O-N-D-T! Jeg orker ikke mer... Det er dritt å tro på noe som ikke er sant, jeg vil bare være den jeg er. Og det betyr ikke at andre ikke skal få lov til å være den de er. Vi kan være...

"Bare være..." Er det greit å elske uansett? "Klart det er, for du er skapt i kjærlighet og lys, det er bare logisk å elske... for den du er, er av kjærlighet."

Jaa.. du vet, jeg vil bare elske akkurat slik jeg er. Jeg vil bare elske verden som et lite barn, jeg vil elsker alt ting som min Guddommelig Far har lært meg å elske.

*Ber; Kjære Guddommelig Far, jeg ber deg, la meg være sterk og stødig i mitt eget lys. La meg spre kjærlighet fra mitt indre.. la meg bringer frem beskjeden din med klarhet, slik at ingen vil føler seg uelsket og forlatt mer på Moder Jord.

Pssst: La meg huske hvordan det var å være uskyldig som et barn igjen, jeg husker litt og litt, at du lærte meg å være et barn uten frykt for kjærlighet. Du lærte meg å ha det morro uansett hvordan situasjonen er.

Pssst psst.. : Jeg vil HUSKE. Takk for at du lar meg.

Åh, en ting til, kan du sender flere Engler ned til Moder Jord? Jo flere jo bedre.. Du vet hvor mye jeg elsker henne, og alle de andre. Englene vet hvem jeg er! De kjenner meg, for jeg husker ... jeg... ja.. du vet, vingene mine. Jeg husker dem. Det er en hemmelighet mellom oss to.. Du vet, jeg vet, Englene vet, det er nok det. Takk igjen min Guddommelig Far. *smiler fornøyd for seg selv*

Amen*

- Crystallized ƸӜƷ

Change for The Better.

I long to go back home. "But home is already in your heart." Is it? At time I feel terrible broken and exhausted. The agony and pain of losing control suffocate me with an incredible tension and other time it numb my senses. "You can't keep controlling forever, change is inevitable." "Change is something that everyone is going through, whether good or bad, but actually, it's all good. If you resist change, it will of course feels painful, but if you let go, and just let if flow, you will feel more at ease, you know."

Yes, I guess everyone is forced to change at some point in life to be more comfortable with the idea that their comfort zone is expanding. I used to asked everyone else questions that I already know and act all 'dumb and naive' so that they will think that they're smart, but I never meant that they're any 'smarter' than me.. if you know what I mean. I must quit 'acting' that way, because I do know a lot.

I want to embrace my own inner voice and wisdom from now on. I have knowledge that is buried deep down inside me which I want to use to my own advantage till the time my friends and family (even people that I don't know) needs my guiding light. "To be a guiding light, you must first be your own guiding light." "Stop searching for answer outside yourself, while you already have all the answer you ever need inside your heart."

Sometime doing nothing makes you want to find something to do, but actually while you're doing 'nothing' you gets to 'do' a lot more that's more important than just 'doing' something to avoid boredom. I don't know if you get me or not on this. But what I mean, is ... "The doing arise from the heart and make you feel more fulfilled than if you blindly do something to get out of the silence and break the tranquility, and perhaps you even regret what you did." I'm not giving up on English, just so you know. *LOL* My inner voice is saving me again.

But still, I'm skeptic and not sure whether you understand that or not! "You're writing to yourself, there's no need to worry about others.. make it simple and easy for yourself rather than trying to make people understand your writing." That's true. I still learn to let go of the need of 'saving' people.... "Save yourself first and heal yourself first, be an example for other rather than lecturing them on what to do or not to do." "Give people the permission to shine their own light while you're shining your light."

"Everyone know already what to do, they only need to believe in themselves and be confident in who they are, this is just like what you're going through right now... is there anything else you would rather do than doing what you love to do?"

*Smiles* I wouldn't do anything that I don't want to do... why am I so skeptic and afraid of myself anyway? The light that is mine is not that powerful that makes people blind, is it? So why am I so afraid? "It's fear, fear of not being accepted for who you are, and fear for not being in control." "That's why change is so important to you right now, change of perception and your own reality... change from fear to love."

I want to embrace the divine love in me and while I'm doing that, I'll shine my light... at least turn it up a few notches. The truth is, I'm feeling more empowered than I used to, so it's positive after all when it comes to change. I want change... not within (and without) myself only, but change in the environment as well. What do you think? Do you think we need to change? And if yes, wouldn't it be great to change together for the better?

Sayonara, I'll speak with you again soon.

- Crystallized ƸӜƷ

Crystallized Butterfly

I really like the idea of being a butterfly. I've been searching and reading articles about ascension and starseed.. and you might think I'm crazy who believes in it. But actually... I'm going down that path already. One day, you might think I'm all crazy who talk in a rhythmic way.. rhyming and singing my heart song. I love my heart song...

I don't want to brag or 'broadcast myself' (just like my inner voice is telling me not to do; "do not broadcast yourself") I'm listening and "obeying" my inner voice with respect. It's not like I want people to think that I'm crazy and it doesn't matter if they do, but I want it to be real. If I suddenly want to sing my heart song, it must be because I feel like it.

"Crystallized butterfly, butterfly crystallized, doesn't matter what it is, it is unconditional love, all right!"

You see, I love my inner voice, but seriously, how could anyone desire to harm me if I'm being all innocence with pure love and light? Just like a child looking at life with wonder and amazement...En-gg-lish.

Maybe it's a good idea to take English class and start it all over again. It's so confusing to suddenly being all frustrated.......(and stop for a few short 'thinking-break' to correct what I was writing.... ) because I don't know if it's correct or not! You see... what I mean about being 'me'...

I really don't mind being a crystallized butterfly, or in your or other people's term, being all crazy. Everything in this world is not just black and white you know. Because I'm being myself, that my life seems to be more colorful. "And if you find happiness in being who you are, then there's no need to be someone you're not... follow happiness, be that which make you happy." You see, it's truly a bliss to be who I really am, that I am.... Do you understand what I mean, with I am, that I am?

I love my inner voice, it's wise and other time full of wits and funny ideas about life! Do not misunderstand me, I don't mean your life, I mean mine.... My Life. I don't know what your inner voice is telling you, but mine tells me only what I want to hear, even if it hurts, but truth hurts, I must learn to live with honesty and grace.... I love my butterfly wings, one day, I will truly flee from this black and white life that I used to look at... "Maybe you already are where you want to be."

*Giggle* I think it's true. I am where I want to be, right now in this moment.

- Crystallized ƸӜƷ

Me and My Inner Voice

(I borrow this image, it's so true with my heading.)

I always want to write something meaningful. Something that maybe will help people to understand me and themself a little better, but actually, I am the only one who want to write something that I alone can comprehend. Poetry or rhyme, I still have a long way to go.... God knows how much I've tried to be a better person in this vast world. But do I really have to give myself away? Just like I always had? Or can I just shut my mouth and stare at life with a keen eye and a curious mind? It's funny how much I say I love... but still I can't find ways to love myself; truly love myself for who I am.

It's so difficult with all the beliefs that I have about myself. It's like peeling the onion... I find new and interesting thing about myself by peeling a layer after another. When will it all end? Really, I can't stop guessing... and wondering about my life and all the most how it will end. To be honest. I just want to live a normal life without the voices in my head telling me what to do and what not to do. I keep praying to God to give me a normal and blissful life. At least a life that is not base on surviving alone. But somehow it seems like I've been living a lie, all these time.

Is it really OK to listen to my inner voice? But it seems like it's not only a voice alone, there's several of them and some of them is not even mine. How do I know? Well, I feel I have an inner navigation system inside my heart that tells me which way I should take and not taking. My heart tells me which path I should embark on and which I need to steer away from. That is the only voice that's really mine. (Is this a correct way to phrase what I want to say? Do you understand my writing?)

*Sigh* Maybe I will never learn how to write proper English. It take so much time, and I don't have the patience or time to even learn the grammar. I think I have dyslexia and I stutter a lot when I speak. Usually I don't have the patience to wait for myself. This is how much I love myself, it's not at all what I mean when I say - love yourself. *making a weird face* Why can I love myself thoroughly?? .. "easy now young lady, you will learn."

There it is.. my inner voice being all patiently and caring towards me. "You will learn with time, there's no need to rush yourself unnecessarily."

I think it's truly is a good idea to listen to my inner voice. I will learn with time... I --I - I must think for myself and believe in m--myself! Damn it! I'm stuttering again and really... this disbelief is getting to me, because right now I have difficulty finding the correct words to make a sentence!! *rolling the eyes in disbelief* "Why don't you just take a breath or two..."

*Laughing out Loud..* Really, I always hold my breath when I try too much.. it doesn't matter what it is.. I just keep holding my breath and going all confuse.. it's very frustrating! To be frank with you, I don't like to even swear! But damn it!! I must take a break or two before I'll go all blue.. ag-ai-n. *shaking the head in disappointment.*

Adieu, I will write again soon.

- Crystallized ƸӜƷ