The Time In Seclusion; Bringing Light To The Path

After writing my last love letter I decided not to send it, but wrote it in a diary. I don't want to live the way I use to live anymore. I saw my old love life pattern that brought nothing but tears to my eyes. I thought writing love letter was romantic, but actually, it was a cowardly act. Because I never admitted to anyone that I love them out loud, all I ever did was writing down how I felt and gave it to them, but when it comes to facing them I wasn't able to say what I had in my heart. Fear for getting rejected was stronger than the desire to say those words "I love you" to the person I was in love with. 

After new years eve 2017, I decided to go into seclusion, separated myself from the world outside my house. I spent my days watching drama series and didn't want to have contact with people, mostly my friends. My family lives with me, so it was a bit hard to avoid them, but otherwise it was only me and my laptop I was attached with. My phone kept ringing with snaps from friends and sometimes my bestfriend would send me a text or two asking how I was doing. I shut the door to my bedroom often and sat on my bed to watch romance series, sometimes I even felt not to eat, but did drink water regularly and went out to smoke. I loose a bit weight, but didn't care, I was up to dawn even to the next morning, sometimes for 24 hours without sleep. I did it for awhile, but in the back of my head I know I should be taking care of my body, so I will sleep for the whole day, and tried my best to eat. My appetite for food wasn't the best, but my addiction to watch drama series was even stronger. In between I would reply to messages, but after awhile, I just switched my phone to vibration so it won't ring. I didn't spend time on Facebook or other websites where I have an online profile. I didn't want to stay in touch with anyone and refuse to go out for a coffee with friends and family. Nothing appealed to me, I only knew that what I wanted to focus on was love story from those romance series and sometimes books I was interested in. When family and friends asked me to go out I would reject them and said I didn't want to. I had a feeling that if I go against what I wanted to do and say yes to them I wouldn't enjoy myself. So the time I was in seclusion I learned to say no to things I didn't want to do. Even though I was addicted to those movies and series I still know that taking care of myself was still something I need to do so that I could stay healthy. I was happy and felt free. I didn't have any worries or problems. I didn't need to wear any masks or do things I didn't want to do. I quit drinking alcohol and refuse to go to parties that friends had arranged. I haven't drink for five months since after new years. 

Two months past within a blink. My relatives from Vietnam came over, and I decided to finally go out and mingle with them. My niece from Vietnam which I had a good connection with were coming as well, so I was not reluctant to give her my attention, since I wanted to show her around when she come to Norway. It wasn't something I had to do, but something I wanted to do. I was willing and that was something I never felt before, I was 100% there with her when I picked her up at the airport and we took the train home. 

To my conclusion, I found my self-esteem within those two months I decided to separate myself from people that I used to care for. I'm not saying that I don't care for them anymore, but I find it a waste to care for them unnecessary, since I believed now that the world still goes on without me, and they can in fact taking care of themselves. I was the mother who was afraid to let my children out to the world, afraid their problems would cause them headache and sorrow, afraid they will get hurt by their own negative thoughts if I wasn't there to give them advices. But now, it's ok. I'm not going to give problems and negative behavior my attention anymore, I'm not going to stand there and watch them torn my heart into pieces and cry over a lost love. This time, I will show them the strong side of me and act from my heart, not from fear of losing them. I will honor my emotions, feelings and sensitivity. I will appreciate my loving thoughts for people I care about, but I won't shower them with attention when I feel that they don't appreciate my good intention or taking me for granted. 

Humanity lacks love and most of them are living in fear and greed, and so many people are creating drama, I don't want to participate in that kind of circus. I don't want to live the same way like most people do anymore. I want to live the way I feel is right for me. I want to act in a way that benefit everyone. I will spend time reflecting and contemplating on how to carry myself like a godly person, the way I suppose to be not the way people expect me to be. 

As I walk my talk, the path I embark on doesn't seems dark anymore, but for each step I take, there's more light on it. I think I will slowly be able to be more proud of the love I have for myself and the world. 

If you ever wonder what you should do, you could spend time with yourself in a quiet place, cultivate your self-love. Do things you love and never believed in the thoughts that says you are not good enough. Despite your weakness and the faults you made in the past, you are still good. You have to believe in yourself, to truly believe that other people believes in you.

Blessings

Miracle 

Our Beliefs Creates Our Reality

Have you ever ponder about love? Have you ever ask yourself what love is? I don't completely know what love is, even though I sure have been in love many times, but maybe it was more like attraction than love, this is something I still ponder about. There are many types of love in this world; parents love to their children, siblings love, couples love, love for humanity, love for animals. All these kinds of love could boil down to Union Love for all, but these types of love are not at all difficult to understand as couples love. I'm sure we all adults and teenagers has a problem to understand this kind of love. Do we maybe confuse love with attraction?

Why does the belief of this kind of love make it so difficult to understand? I mean, why when we fall in love with someone, and after being in relationship or even before being with them all these emotions start to rise above the surface and make it difficult to attain peace?  My beliefs about relationship is that you can only love one person at a time and I shouldn't be playing with people's feelings, and that they should show their love through actions if they really loves me or behave in a certain way that shows their love is true. These beliefs are not that bad as the belief of many others who think that once they are with someone, their partner become a property. 

I have a habit of thinking wrongly that when the person I like would stop liking me because something seems to change in their behavior or they seems to detach themselves from me. I had the beliefs of being invaluable and unworthy thus thinking that I'm not loved or worth to be like from someone else. Emotions and feelings start to rise and peace are being rob off. It's so damn hard sometimes not to leave the "thinking" aside, overanalyze and overthinking, but I learn over time that I eventually have to change my beliefs. 

In our beliefs arise feelings, from feelings to action, from action to a result or maybe a consequence. And because of our beliefs we have to take responsibility for our reaction and consequences. I know that in changing my beliefs about myself will help me to experience love in a new way. I'm not saying that what I do will work for you, but as I had gone through the process of changing my beliefs and love myself more, I have been able to relax more and not over dramatize the situation. In the end, I think that couples love seems difficult because we can't escape from the feelings that rise above the surface. Our partner didn't place those feelings inside of us, those feelings were already there for us to acknowledge them, and maybe that's why it seems so difficult to understand our partner when we are in the midts of the storm that rages inside of us. 

Relationship serve a purpose in our lives, whether good or bad, they are a good way for us to finally find all the barriers that kept us from love. We could either act as a victim or rise above it and claim our power to change ourselves. Beliefs are also possible to change, but you have to be strong willed and determined once you want to change your beliefs. When your beliefs start to trouble you face it head on, and examine it carefully if what you believe in is true or not, don't forget that what you resist presist and what you look at will disappear. 

Do your best to attain peace.

Blessings

Miracle

Do Not Miss Your Dream

Chasing someone that runs away from you is exhaustible, waiting for them to come are agonizing. Even harder is it to pretend that you don't care. And then ignore your five senses, that's when your sixth sense comes in handy, but how do we open our heart without the mind interfering with our desire to be vulnerable? Maybe just plunge into the water, but that would be like suicidal when you haven't been taught to swim. Going down or getting up? Fighting with the logic of the mind or lying dormant waiting for the desire to take over? Should I be in control or let it go out of control? Left or right, true or false? 

Frustration doesn't help the heart any better. Then change is imminent, change is necessary. When peace is attain, everything falls into place. To change my thoughts and my navigations, I can steer towards the future with good conscience, and I hope the mind won't try to shackle me down in chain. Disturb my soul, it needs to wake up, it needs to stay guard so my mind won't disturb me and prevent me from falling asleep. Sleep; because dreams are better than reality.