The Meaning of Being Alive

Sometimes I try to find a meaning to my life, but at some point I just feel like giving up or just ask God to give me a clue. I asked Him what I should do with certain things and I wondered if he actually hear me, but however I know that He would give me a meaning even if I didn't ask. 

It was hard to live a life where you couldn't see a point or meaning in what you were doing or even thinking. Like walking around with a body without any vitality, just exist but not really is "there" to realize that life was meaningful. I'm not sure why I thought my life was wasted or unworthy, and certainly I wasn't sure if being alive or exist has a meaning to anyone. I thought about it a lot and did my best to understand the meaning behind my existence. I beat myself up every time I couldn't find the answer, so I started to criticize myself for being useless, for being stupid etc. 

Being online had somehow given me a meaning to exist, because there I could be myself and took off my mask, because when someone asked me how I felt, I would be honest and actually share my feelings. I was an introvert, I didn't speak much, I wasn't popular at school, so I didn't have so many friends, but when I finally took a step outside my comfort zone, and getting to know more people, I become more sure about my abilities to care and be there for people, I got more friends. It was one particular girl that I bonded really fast. She was a friend of a friend and we got introduce to each other. I didn't thought that we would bond so fast, because we were different, but there were one thing we both have in common, it was our openness, she was herself from the beginning, she never make an excuse for being herself, she was also very friendly and I felt that I like talking to her. It was strange, because I have seen her once before, but never thought that we would ever meet or become friends. Anyway, we talked a lot and found out that we had a lot in common. After talking with her, and since I lived in another town, we started to write letters to each other. 

I felt I can be myself around her and I could tell her how I felt, for the first time without being online, but in real life. She accepted me and my behavior, though I never behaved poorly or bad. I was just being me that time with my emotions. It was a beginning of our friendship, that I also accepted her for who she was; we are best friends now, and we has always been open to each other about how we felt and neither one of us manipulate the other to feel bad about how we felt or who we was; I'm truly lucky to have her as my best friend.

So, now I really think about it again, about the meaning of my life. The first meaning God gave me for being alive and exist was my siblings, the second was my mom and the third was my best friend. After realizing how my existence affect them, I become more sure about life and its meaning. More and more meaning adds up in my life. I become more and more open about my feelings for other people, I'm not saying that I'm not scare to open myself up for people I like, I'm still afraid sometimes, but it doesn't hinder me to be myself or make me want to crawl back to my cave. I hit the balance between being an introvert and extrovert. Life is more interesting now, there's more meaning to it than never before. I'm sure that we exist for a reason, even though we couldn't understand it now, doesn't mean that we would never understand it. 

For those who are depress or alone, don't give up life to soon, even though I know it's hard, even harder to not thinking of killing yourself when the pain is taking over you and your loneliness become like a dark hole. Believe me, I was there, I was also a victim of my depression and the suicidal thought kept crossing my mind. It wasn't a day I didn't think of hating myself for being so depress or that I wasn't worthy to receive any love, but somehow I wasn't alone, I had myself, the person that who would never gave up on myself was me. It wasn't me alone who sticking up to me, a piece of the divine was with me and is still with me. God gave me His divinity, a source inside me and my motivator to keep me staying alive.

Don't freak out when I talk about God, He/She might not exist for you, but whatever it is you perceive to be the source of your life, believe it, have faith in it. Don't forsake your hope to believe that you also is meaningful and worthy of love and a healthful life. Take back your power, and look at yourself as someone worthy of your love, your life has a meaning the day your were conceived, don't forget to search for your meaning if you haven't found it, keep looking, those who search will eventually find it.

Go Ahead And Love

If loving someone, why being afraid to tell them? If wanting someone, why afraid to let them know? The thing we want the most is love, then why are we so afraid to show it? Your mind denied your affection for someone soul, it won't let you open up, because it threaten you, make you fearful, that you might be rejected for how you feel. 

If loving someone is to let them go, and not wanting to possess them as something you own, then you are one step up the ladder, you are loving unconditional. It's hard, but it's something worth trying. Your breath will be short, your heart will pound like crazy, your eyes might spill tears, but what is better than to love and be loved in return? Even though your love is unrequited, isn't it enough to just love without expectations and desire. 

But love without desire is mostly not passionate, if you love so much that your heart ache then it's the desire to love without any inhibition, you should honor that aching, a rose without thorns is not a rose. A love without desire is not love truly, even whatever that desire must be, but if it must be anything, then let that desire be to love without expectation, let it be unconditional. Because a long the line, you are just a soul experience a human form, but it's not impossible to love unconditional. You just have to learn the art of loving yourself, your feelings and your thoughts. If you are afraid to love, your heart will always direct you towards someone who will crack you open so that you can take a peek inside yourself and see that love is all there is.

Maybe to love is painful and hard, when the time spending together ends, but isn't it worth saving the memories and cherish time spend together? Love never end truly, but we just believe that this is the only life we have, but who know about the life after that or the life before that. Maybe we should let love decide our destiny. Whatever brought us here are watching over us. We must trust that love and have faith and patience with ourselves so that we might understand why we fear the thing we want the most. 

To persuade love to cleanse our pain and heartache are the only remedy we need to go on. What we fear the most, is what we need to love the most. Our fears aren't there for no reason. It learn us to honor our feelings, to not resist to face it and make it our friends instead of our enemies. Love is not complex, it's quite simple, the only reason is that our thoughts make it more difficult to understand our underlying fears towards it. While our heart paints our love with all the color it inhabit, our soul is eager to try once more and direct its love towards someone or something so we won't feel shallow or lonely. Go ahead, love with all your faults and imperfections, no one needs to know that you have feared to love or shed tears when glooming thoughts appear in your mind.