God; Love; Me; ... Us

It all begin with a hallow space in the heart, and the soul seems to just shrink in size which couldn't fit in the hollow space in the heart at all. It was too small, it didn't fit in, but get swallowed completely and so the soul disappear. I search for a while, but didn't know what I was searching for. 

First and foremost, I tried to find the meaning to life by walking in my parents shoes, but somehow it didn't fit me. I stumble while having them on, I fell several times since it was too big for my feet and I almost crawl, hell yes, I did crawl. I thought meaning to life was to sacrifice myself, in hope to find myself useful for my parents, but then I got myself lost in the role I played as a daughter. I spent my time trying to impress them, doing things that I thought might fill my heart; that hollow space which seems to swallow everything I came across. It swallowed my role as a daughter as well and being obedient and respectful towards my parents with much higher authority than me was less satisfying than I thought, because it means I have to swallow my pride and my voice for justice against them. There were so many things I would want to do, but I was restricted to do them since they fear I might fail in the process of doing them. There weren't room for failure and I didn't get to learn to stand up for myself and make my own choice. Wearing their shoes and walking theirs path was tiring, because I didn't get to be a child with wonder and curiosity, I had to grow as fast as I could so the shoes will fit me... I had to play my role as a obedient daughter.

One day, I was to beat up and tired that I resigned my duty as a daughter and wander across the ocean to find myself. A pilgrimage to find something to fit that hallow space. I put aside the meaning of life and search for love. I thought finding someone to give me love was easy, wasn't it just pleasing my beloved and give them everything I had and they will give me the love I need back? But before I could please and give I had to find my beloved. So I tried first with them boys, even though I felt that my heart wants girls, but my mind feared I might get to abnormal that no one in the end want to be with me, so I checked in with the boys, the cool type and mr.popular, but I find it hard to open myself up, since that hollow space seems to swallow my feelings as well. I tried to suggest a date here and there, but none of them was interested. One particular guy said I was a bit ugly so he refused to date me and didn't even want to hang out or be my friend. I looked in the mirror and believed him, I was ugly, I was a teenager without nice clothes and make up, I wasn't like the other girls, I was label the odd one. Miss ugly didn't get a date, I played that role too. I feared to show my face and become shy and introvert that it was difficult to talk to me, and since I was taught to swallow my voice I didn't say much to anyone. I believed them that I was ugly. 

I checked out, didn't want to try the boys anymore, they gave me bad vibes. I moved on to the girls, but not openly. I tried the internet and was open and somewhat myself. Finally, I met someone online. She was ok, a vietnamese and we met, I wasn't in love with her, but she liked me and we end up dating and become a couple. Hurray I thought, finally I have found love, but I didn't know that it was not what I had in mind. It was difficult, suddenly the hallow space started to spit out my feelings (more like emotions). I got jealous and worried because of something she said with her friends and since I already felt that I wished to share them with her, but it didn't end so good since she broke up with me. We met online and I got dumped online *shaking head*. I was devastated and broken and wished the hollow space would swallow me in as well, but it didn't... I got stuck. 

Weeks passed and I got somewhat better and felt that I still have hope, I was done playing the role of an unpopular and ugly girl. Even though I was broken, I still believed that something could change my appearance, that was why I was willing to try make up. I found magic in make up and started to trust my creativity, I painted my face as beautiful as I could, got my brows plucked and wear comfy stylish clothes. I snapped picture of me here and there, in many different angle and then uploaded them on my profile. I felt somewhat satisfied, because there were girls who wanted to meet me, they gave me compliments and I had so much fun dating online that I forgot the brokenness for while. 

In my heart, I still believe that love was everything even though that hollow space become bigger as I grow up. In my mind I still believed I should find my beloved so that she will fill the void in that hollow space... I was wrong and to be honest, I met countless of girls, but my void was emptier than before. None of them was my true beloved, none of them could fill my void, earthly love was difficult to attain. So much sacrifice for nothing and my emotions started to build up. I become weary and burned out because of the pilgrimage that I stopped walking entirely and started to cry. Salty tears that I tasted was truly healing, because I felt once I let the hollow space be hollow I could accept that I couldn't fill it with earthly love, duty and playing roles I wasn't suited for. I was done with sacrificing. I wanted to understand and attain true love and I wished to feel free.

Many years passed and I met people on my path, they all taught me valuable things I could use for later. I abandon earthly love and was in frantic search for freedom. Fortunately, I met this man. This particular man thought me to unlock my heart so I could dive into my hollow space. The void which was empty was no longer terrifying. Emotions from that void was living there in that hollow space. He taught me to be myself, to let go of judgment and turned negative thoughts to positive one, he taught me to be honest about my feelings and open myself up for the possibilities to feel loved, and no one was needed to fill that void or fit in that hollow space... I didn't need anyone, the beloved was myself, the beloved was God. If God was in there, and I'm the beloved, wouldn't I be; God? 

Being myself, honest and open, means being love in action, and if it's love then it's naturally to attract like minded, all I need to remember is that I'm love. My soul magically appear, it didn't shrink as I thought it did, it was maybe so big that I couldn't see it, not until I was allow to while diving my head first into the hollow space. My soul didn't disappear, I just couldn't see it with my heart close. I had to plunge into my hollow space and open my heart to see it. It was miraculously unbelievable to finally feel loved and become one with that hollow space. I was finally home, and now I can accept the role that suited me best. Godly words can't describe how much of a Goddess I am. God; love; Me; ...US. 

Blessings

Miracle 

Believe in Miracle

When there are noises all around me, and the world is too much, I'll let myself flow to the inner shrine of Miracles -and bathe myself in her presence. She always draws me closer to her heart-space sanctuary with her soft firm voice of golden light. She caresses and nurtures my being, while purifying my mind of it's sickness.

She knows the yearning of her beloved, as well as her own sadness. She desires nothing else for herself -but to be who she truly is. Her royalties and prestige is not of arrogance and ignorance, she never commanded anyone to heed her words. Even though sometimes it may seem otherwise, her command is only a request to strengthen the young heart to know her worth.

There's nothing she would rather say than to tell you the truth, and the truth is, she is being the truth. She's like an old grandmother who loves her children and grandchildren. At times she is being too wise for her own good. But she will rather be dimmed for being cold and careless rather than let her beloved repeat the same endless mistake to no avail.

Tell me, is there anybody out there who knows their worth who can see, really see her for who she is, because she has eyes that penetrates the illusion and sees you for who you are, she can really see behind your masks and frenzy demeanor. She sees your glorious attributes and innocence being, as her Divine Father God sees her.

Her cold demeanor is a protection shield from those who aren't aware of what they're doing to themselves, and thus carelessly harming her sensitive heart and soul. She loves herself, yes she does, you might think she's all self-centered and egoistic, but all she does is take care of her own being with charm and wits. She knows herself from the inside out and is without a doubt, that she will be judge for being cold, hard and ruthless, but if you really know her, you will understand she is taking responsibility for her own actions and faults.

She is really that simple, because she knows how important it's to keep balance and order in her universe. Her love is selfless and unique. Why would anyone harm her for being who she is? Why would anyone think that she doesn't love them for who they are? Because the truth is, she doesn't care about how they act or what they do, as long as they're happy and content with who they are from the inside out and from the outside in.

Ah, they think too much, all busy living in their head, forgetting about their heart, analyzing every word she say, every action she take. They take it way too personally when she stand up for herself and tell them what she wants and needs. She doesn't demand anything without knowing her worth, because she knows, that's why she wants to make sure you know it too.

When she kept her silence and refused to talk, it's not because she has turn her back on you, she just wants you to learn your mistake and know your worth. She knows herself better than you know her, that's why she won't let you trample on her heart-space sanctuary carelessly.

Know your worth! Know your worth! She makes no threats without a reason. If you truly know her, you will understand her Divine being, delicate yet determined when she makes up her mind. She has her butterfly essence and with her butterfly wings, she will truly flee if you're being dishonest and flaky. She meant what she said, she said what she meant, I suggest you to; be loyal and faithful 100 percent.

Take my advice and love yourself, truly love yourself for who you are, and you will understand how much she loves you. Believe in Miracle and she will show wonders in your life, this is her request, if you want her for who she is, you better abide and take the quest.

Miracle ƸӜƷ

The End of The Chase

I thought I would never love someone like I love you. The constant search for you had made me blind to the fact that you were always near enough for me to feel every inch of you. You're so tangible, I didn't know that you were so fragile until I touched you with my words. You're soaking up everything I say and think, you've become transparent, but still visible to the eyes.

My mind fooled me to think that you were hiding from me, but I was the one who didn't realize that you were always beside me and within me. The mirror I was looking at was actually you looking back at me. I feel so ashamed for not being faithful, but until now, you still forgive me. How can I make it up for the lost time where I've been looking elsewhere but into my own heart? What do I do now with the fear that I might not remember or recognize you again without the mirror that has been reflecting back at me?

Will I be able to pour out my love to you like I use to with my poetry and artistic way of writing? There's so many unanswered questions, which I actually know the answer to, but still not sure whether they're real or just my imaginations making it all up.

I know one thing is certain, your song still rings in my ears, I still hear it clearly. Are they the guiding tunes you're playing for me to hear, to let me know that you're forever faithful and loyal while you stand by my side like you always have?

I'm so sorry that I've let you down so many times by running away whenever you're close by, the only reason was because I was afraid your love would burst open my broken heart which I tried so hard to repair.

You watched over me like a little seed that I am, long to sprout and bloom, and you already knew that my longing for you was real since you never leave my side. You stood by and shielded me from reckless storms and hurdles.

Your love reached through the wall that I've build to protect myself from others opinions about me. All the while I thought I was good for nothing, but you were the one who always encouraged me to write and phrase my feelings with honesty without fear of being silly and weak. And before I knew it, your love breaks the crust around my human heart to billion of pieces till they become powder of dust. Your gentle nudge always encouraging me to look deep within my heart, and show me that the light within my heart was my own divinity and nothing else.

I always thought that you taunted me and didn't want to reveal yourself because I was not worthy of your love, but that wasn't true at all. It was the mind that held me back from exposing my love to you, and made me believe that I must prove myself worthy before you will open up your arms to embrace me into your kingdom of heaven. But it was me who has forgot that I'm not a beggar, but a princess who has been away from her own castle for far too long.

I still want to make myself worthy to be your devotee without any flaw, because I love you that much to know that you deserve everything that's not flake and false. My vessel is yours to purify and love, my dear Miracle. Because we both know, that we're one and the same. I made myself believe that I was the one who's chasing you, but in the end, I am the one who has been caught by you.

- Crystallized ƸӜƷ