New Year's Resolution.

Hi everyone, so I just sit here one day before new year's eve, thinking that I could jot down some of my new years resolution just so I will remember it before the year 2015 end. 

First and foremost, I want to quit smoking (sadly I haven't manage to quit yet). What I think to do is to contact my doctor and see if she could help me. And the second thing is; I want to stay sober the whole year without touching a single drop of alcohol. I'm not an alcoholic or addicted to alcohol, it's just that I'm not so fond of partying and drinking anymore, so it's not a problem to quit, but maybe I have to explain to a few people on why I don't want to drink anymore. Let's see how it goes. 

I think I will be a better person by the end of 2016, since I want to love myself more. Self love is as I said very important if you want to stay happy. I will do my best to not criticize myself for things I can't do and even if I caught myself in condemning people for what they do, I will not condemn myself for it. I'm not saying that it's OK to condemn people, but I mean, everyone of us have in some time judge people for what they do or say etc, it's kind of normal to think that way, but it could be prevented if we understand ourselves better and that we see people with our heart and not our ego, better yet, as a soul seeing another soul.

I will do my best to socialize with positive people, and help those who are depress and pessimistic (not sure if they want help, but if anyone that comes to me, I will make sure they leave happier.) I have been told that I'm a good listener, that my friends really find comfort in what I share. They mean it makes them feel at ease when they talk to me about theirs problems. I'm more of a person who find solution to a problem rather than pitying myself and play the victim for my problems and situations, therefor I will find a solution for my friends if they needs me to help them with their problems and see things with new eyes. 

I want to be more honest, not in a brutal way, but I will do my best to tell the truth as I see it and not what people want to hear. Honesty is the best policy. It's hard not to tell white lies, but it's not impossible to be completely honest about something. 

Last but not least, I want to keep my conscious clean, I want to vibrate in a higher frequency. I feel 2016 will be an exciting year. 2nd wave of ascension is on march 2016. So I have to prepared myself for that time so I can help more people to elevate their frequency. It's hard enough right now for most people to deal with their emotions. Seems like more and more people are awaken. It could be terrifying for them to suddenly feel different than what they use to feel. 

Looking back I have been experience a lot of up and downs, but it just helped me seeing things in a different perspective. I have learn to listen to my feelings, love a little more, stay positive and become happier with the choice I make. And all my connection with people have brought me to a higher level of understanding. I think I'm equipped to bring light to the world, and help levitate the frequency of unconditional love. All I'm waiting now is for my Twin Flame to come back into my life and help me to help bring more love and light to the earth and its inhabitant. 

New life will begin shortly... might as well begin now. 

The list: 

1) Quit smoking

2) Quit drinking alcohol

3) Self Love

4) Be more honest

5) Help people

6) Socialize with positive people

7) Declutter and vibrate on a higher frequency

Stay tune for more to come. I really want to share my experience with everyone who cross my path. If you have similar experience or anything you want to share, I'm ready to listen! 

Blessings.

Miracle

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, and soon happy new year! My christmas was spent with lots of silence and some noodles pack. To be more specific, it was mom who cook fried noodles for us. And now christmas is over and new year is ahead. My new year resolution is to love myself more and do my best to quit smoking. I don't really want to quit, but because of an important reason I have to quit. Not to mention that it's bad for my health so quitting is really a must anyway.

I don't know what else I should talk about today, I mean, everything happen for a reason, and I don't really know the reason just yet, so I will probably just write whatever comes to mind (or not writing at all?) Well, it's holiday, everyone should smile a lot more and do good deeds, spent time with your family and friends, or with strangers who is alone this holiday. How do you spent your holiday? I would love if you share your story, or anything that can lift my spirit up a little. 

I'm not sad, but, I'm quite tired of the 3D love relationship. The confusion and frustration of wanting someone, but can't have them. That's why I decide I'm gonna dedicate the entire time cultivating the 5D vibrational unconditional love from now on. I'm not sure how I will do that, but maybe I just need to be more aware of my action and my thoughts. 

I'm sorry, this post is rather boring to read. But I really don't know what I should write about... I don't have much to share, so. I think I better check in another time, maybe I will come up with some more interesting story or something new to share. 

Spent your holiday with great love and joy everyone.

Blessings

Miracle 

Our Beliefs Creates Our Reality

Have you ever ponder about love? Have you ever ask yourself what love is? I don't completely know what love is, even though I sure have been in love many times, but maybe it was more like attraction than love, this is something I still ponder about. There are many types of love in this world; parents love to their children, siblings love, couples love, love for humanity, love for animals. All these kinds of love could boil down to Union Love for all, but these types of love are not at all difficult to understand as couples love. I'm sure we all adults and teenagers has a problem to understand this kind of love. Do we maybe confuse love with attraction?

Why does the belief of this kind of love make it so difficult to understand? I mean, why when we fall in love with someone, and after being in relationship or even before being with them all these emotions start to rise above the surface and make it difficult to attain peace?  My beliefs about relationship is that you can only love one person at a time and I shouldn't be playing with people's feelings, and that they should show their love through actions if they really loves me or behave in a certain way that shows their love is true. These beliefs are not that bad as the belief of many others who think that once they are with someone, their partner become a property. 

I have a habit of thinking wrongly that when the person I like would stop liking me because something seems to change in their behavior or they seems to detach themselves from me. I had the beliefs of being invaluable and unworthy thus thinking that I'm not loved or worth to be like from someone else. Emotions and feelings start to rise and peace are being rob off. It's so damn hard sometimes not to leave the "thinking" aside, overanalyze and overthinking, but I learn over time that I eventually have to change my beliefs. 

In our beliefs arise feelings, from feelings to action, from action to a result or maybe a consequence. And because of our beliefs we have to take responsibility for our reaction and consequences. I know that in changing my beliefs about myself will help me to experience love in a new way. I'm not saying that what I do will work for you, but as I had gone through the process of changing my beliefs and love myself more, I have been able to relax more and not over dramatize the situation. In the end, I think that couples love seems difficult because we can't escape from the feelings that rise above the surface. Our partner didn't place those feelings inside of us, those feelings were already there for us to acknowledge them, and maybe that's why it seems so difficult to understand our partner when we are in the midts of the storm that rages inside of us. 

Relationship serve a purpose in our lives, whether good or bad, they are a good way for us to finally find all the barriers that kept us from love. We could either act as a victim or rise above it and claim our power to change ourselves. Beliefs are also possible to change, but you have to be strong willed and determined once you want to change your beliefs. When your beliefs start to trouble you face it head on, and examine it carefully if what you believe in is true or not, don't forget that what you resist presist and what you look at will disappear. 

Do your best to attain peace.

Blessings

Miracle

An Ongoing Process

As we go through darkness and become more positive, and suddenly there seems to be more shit coming up than ever- don't be afraid if it does. Because they have to come up in order for you to shed more light on it, things need to clear out, and they need to be acknowledge. 

The process of loving yourself is ongoing, there are no shortcuts, you have to do the work in order to be more happy in life. It's your responsibility anyway, to feel happy and content. I'm so glad that my words of comfort and advice can help you, but believe it or not, I have been through deep shit and now I'm able to finally be more happy about myself and content in some degree. Sure there are things that bugged me and made my day a living hell, but that is something temporarily, and natural, because like a pendulum, our lives swayed from right to left, as a ball been throwing up needs to come down. Our feelings are reflection of our thoughts, the things that bugged me are things that help me to measure how far I have climb the ladder. How far in life I have come. 

When you give a negative thought your attention, remember that you are able to switch it to a positive thought, because if you are able to give your thoughts your attention, it means you are more aware of what you think and when you are more aware of what you think, then it's easier for you to choose a better thought. If you struggle with that, then I can recommend you to seek out Louise L Hay, she has a lot of good affirmations you can use to change your negative thoughts to better and positive one.

Time is speeding up and the energy is increasing in frequency, things are likely to manifest faster. So it's up to you what you want to manifest. I do understand that it's not always easy to suddenly change your mindset, it takes me years before I can master it, and still I'm puzzled about it, because sometimes I feel that I'm in need of love and acceptance from the one I love. It's not easy to just be happy when you actually want things to be in some sort of way for your own benefit, but you can't always have what you want, so there are of course disappointment in it. You have to learn to forgive yourself when you are angry about yourself because you don't feel the way you think you should. Sometimes it's ok to feel what you feel. Express your feelings and don't blame yourself and even if you do, don't criticize yourself for it. Don't judge yourself and think you are a bad person for feeling in some certain way because you are afraid people won't accept or love you for reacting or expressing how you are feeling. 

I do understand it's hard to explain sometimes why you feel the way you feel, but if you don't let out the steam, you will feel more horrible, because then you are locked inside a box you aren't able to get out of. I think it's more healthy to express your emotions/feelings than locked them inside, if you aren't able to tell the person who you have some sort of problems with, then you can try and talk about it with your friends or someone you know who is a good listener, some who doesn't judge what you have to tell, maybe they can give you another perspective you can look at so you won't be stuck in one way of thinking. There are many way of releasing those emotions, you just need to find a way that suits you the best. 

For me, it helps to cry and write about it, or talking to my bestfriend who I know won't judge me for the way I'm feeling or thinking. She would tell me what I need to hear and be honest about it. I'm thankful for having her as my bestfriend. I think we all need one or two friends who is loyal to us and treat us with respect and don't judge us for being who we are. But to have those kind of friends we also need to be somewhat like that in order to attract them in our lives and we need to be a bestfriend for ourselves too, so that we can have a better and healthier relationship with ourselves. 

I know sometimes you might think it's stupid for what you feel, but if someone talk about those feelings to you, would you think that they are stupid? Try to see and comfort yourself as your bestfriend would or better yet, see yourself as God sees you, He will likely see you as the innocent child of His. We all needs to see each other as souls, in order to maintain peace and harmony, that sometimes things happen for a reason, and we all do our best from the abilities we have. People don't always know why they are saying or doing what seems to harm others, forgive them, they know not what they do. Forgive yourself, for in God's eyes you are pure and innocent soul who are going through an evolution. 

Take what you can from this post, but leave whatever that doesn't seems right for you, I don't intend to preach, because I don't think preaching will do any good if it doesn't come from the heart. Mostly, believe in yourself rather than believing in a truth that has been experienced by someone else. Sometimes experiences are somewhat different because we all have different perceptions and we all have different truth about something we believe in. Next time, if I have the inspiration, I will try and write about beliefs. Meanwhile, have a splendid weekend. 

Blessings

Miracle. 

Within

The world technologies are incredible awesome, but we must not forget the little things that doesn't require electricities. I'm also a person who have been addicted to my smartphone and the internet, simply because I'm like everyone else living in the 20th centuries. The things that remind me of those simple little things are reading and watching inspirational movies. 

Tonight I stayed up and watch "The Little Prince 2015". An inspirational animation. It's a story about a little girl who been taught to follow the schedule and programs her mother have made for her, and because of that she become a little stiff like the rest of everyone else. She memories math and do maths all day just to get in to this particular school, and forget about having fun and playing like a child should. Her mother always worked late and aren't much at home to watch over her. Luckily they moved to a neighborhood where an old man live in this big and old house unlike the rest of the neighbor and their house. One day an accident happened where the old man tried to start his plane, made the propell to bounced right into the little girl's house and her mother's. And one evening when he sat on the roof top and the little girl sat in her room doing math, he flew a paper plane right into her's window. She was perplexed at first, but with curiosity she open the paper plane where there was drawings and a story about the little prince, then on, they established a connection. I don't want to be a spoiler, if you are curious, I recommend you to watch it. 

After watching it, I become inspired to write this post. The movie really make me understand that things that is invisible to the eyes can be felt with the heart. I must remember that I'm here for a reason, even though I might not understand the reason as for now, but I must never forget the happiness and the joy I experienced 5 years ago. It's the wake-up call I mentioned in my late post. To remember my identity and finally understand the love of my higher self was truly a blessing, and not just that, I did also witness my own soul in meditation. It was truly amazing to could see your soul even for a brief moment.

Every experience we have in this life is quite unique, whether good or bad, we can either learn from it or just for the sake of experiences, and because of those experiences we remember that we are not only a body, but a soul. Being a human is sometimes difficult, but if we remember that we have a soul that would never die, we will feel less afraid of what life brings us, we will just do our best to live and enjoy our ups and even the downs. 

Whatever you might have experienced in the past is now just memories, but those memories can help you levitate and most important not forget that you are capable to live a better life by learning from your past mistakes and for those good times you have been experienced will help you feel less sad about what you might go through right now. 

And mostly, never forget to have a good time with your friends and family, or just make new friends to help you expand your awareness. You never know who will bring to you the missing piece of a puzzle you have been puzzled about. Make time to spend with yourself in quiet moments and reminisce or just relax and feel your whole being. When you are alone, you can be whoever you want and no one can make you be anything you don't want. When I feel tired or just bored, I lie down in my bed and just completely relax and feel my whole body pulsating. In that moment I'm not anything to anyone, but just me, the soul.

When we drop everything that shackle us down, we feel less heavy, we become lighter, we can breathe and our movements become easier. What shackles us down might be our job, our family our friends and so on, but when we are entirely alone, we won't feel the burden of the world. But what shackles us down the most is our thoughts, that's why we have to tame it. Our mind is a playground to manifest our reality, so whatever we think will manifest in our lives. First of, you have to find a way to turn it off. The effective way is to meditate, to befriend our thoughts and let it slide and flow freely from one end to another, don't hold onto it, just let it flow. When we have cleared our thoughts, we become more wiser and more free. It's a process, an ongoing process that you have to keep up until your thoughts have become somewhat lighter and brighter. Your thoughts link to your emotions that can be wash off by cleaning up your spiritual, mentally and emotionally closet. All you need to do is throw out those old beliefs you have about yourself, when you have achieved that bit of self realization you will feel less emotional, less anxious, less tired, less of what you might feel. 

This might not happen over the night, you might want to give it a month or two, even years, but it's never too late to begin. And remember, all this shape you to be who you are meant to be, so don't be afraid to getting to know yourself and find your true happiness within. 

I hope you will find that piece of puzzle you have been trying to find, and that your life will turn up side down for the better. Remember the laughter and smile of a child whenever you feel disheartened.

Blessings 

Miracle. 

The Way of Living In Peace And Harmony

The waiting and the longing, both are like a burden, tormenting the aching heart. Let it not be a silent rage inside your soul, but express it creatively. Do what you can, but never keep it intact in your mind. 

Bold are the one who can cry, not because of pity for themselves, but silent tears to release the sadness from the heart. To fully live is to fully experience the color of our emotions. Not everyone experience them in calmness, but who said we couldn't go on a rampage or make it dramatic? 

Your life and my life may be different from each other, but truth is we are experiencing the same feelings and emotions, only to react in a different way. Whichever way we react in is not closely important as to understand the consequence of it. And so we venture on an adventure to collect pieces of our soul that we have lost from the beginning of time. Standing still or moving on, we have the choice to choose the life we want for ourselves. Nobody is entirely right, nobody has die from being wrong. So why can we live together in peace and harmony? 

Blessings
Miracle

Accept Yourself Is To Love Yourself

After being in love for countless of times, I figured out that I have been suppressing my feelings and they have become heavy emotions that was hard to control. Every time something trigger my emotions I couldn't help but cry about it. Even though tears are remedy to release those emotions I still couldn't love myself, because I loathed the way I suppress my feelings, I hate that I couldn't express them in a positive manner since I tended to push everyone away. All I could do then was to sit alone crying in a corner and felt like I was the victim of the situations. The consequence of my action was loneliness and self loath.

After my wake-up call, and many years later I become more aware of the way I treat myself. It took me a decade to understand that loving myself wasn't about loving others the way I want them to love me. Loving myself was to actually just loving myself and not wanting for acceptance or love in return. I'm not being a narcissist, I'm reasonable, I do give love and concern when my friend and family needs me to listen to them, but I don't let them misuse my trust or kindness. Being kind is not a sign of weakness, but to respect all with the same amount of respect to myself.

I understand that when someone come to me with a problem or sadness, it's not because they want me to help them solve their problems, but to love them unconditionally and accept them for what they bring with their problems. I'm aware that they want me to love and accept their emotions no matter what feelings they might bring forth in the conversations.

I develop a strategi to help them get through their dark time by being attentive with what they have to tell me. As I help by listening I also develop a sense of detachment. I detach myself from their problem and never let it surpass my faith of letting them solve their own problems. Everyone needs to learn how to trust themselves and how to face their problems as it is their life and what they want to do is important for them to understand themselves better. What they need isn't a problem solver, but compassion and kindness from their fellow humanity.

I do deem myself as a lover, a friend, a family for those who come in contact with me. Because being a family for someone who needs my time is something humanity needs right now at this particular time, but I don't mean that I will give away my time if someone is to waste it. Even though I don't judge people for what they do and say, but I do care for how they treat me, because I can't afford to loose my self-respect by letting them toy with me by being careless of how they treat me. I am after all  a human being as well, I do have my ups and downs, but I'm better at handle my emotions and feelings now than before. I can say that I love myself more than I use to.

So how do you love yourself? First we have to look into the way we love other, what kind of love do you want for yourself, is how you love yourself and that's how you will love other. Love can range from unconditional to conditional. The type of love I want for myself is unconditional, it means that I want the one I love to give me the freedom of being myself and let me express my feelings without being judge. Unconditional love is rare and most difficult to attain since we are programmed to think that if someone love us, they have to meet up with our expectations. While unconditional love is more unexpected. Unconditional love is to give without asking, wanting and expecting for it to be returned. Unconditional love is to be selfless, while attaining the desire to be loved back with the same amount without being disappointed. What I mean is the desire to be loved back is also important while loving someone, but that desire is not negative, because in this world, self-love has been something very rare which we don't experience in another human being. So to love someone we must love ourselves.

While we desire that love to meet up with our expectations we have to detach ourselves from the petty desire of being love back, and that's how divine love is in action. That's were unconditional love come into play. Second, loving ourselves, is to love our emotions, our being, our negatives side as our positive one. Loving ourselves is to love our way of being a human being with flaws and mistakes. We have to love ourselves without judging the way we are. It could be difficult if we don't forget what we have been taught in our childhood. That love must be earned by doing good deeds, running errands and behave in a certain way. Our parents taught us to be obedient, to listen to their requests and sometimes even punish us if we don't do as they said or give them what they needed, no matte what it was, sometimes we felt that it was never enough no matter how much we tried to please them and from then our love has been restricted and twisted, so when we meet someone we love, we apply the same rules. In our subconscious we still give the people we love an ultimatum, they have to meet up with our standar even though we accidentally love them without being conscious about it. After awhile we might unconsciously love them because they behave in a certain way, but when they don't meet up with up with our standar, we become angry, sad, depress and agitated. We loose our natural state of love, and that is to love unconditionally. We might choke them with our emotions and in the end if things go bad, they even run away from us because they feel they lost their freedom or couldn't handle the intense atmosphere. They might even feel that we have changed; we wasn't the same person they first met and fell in love with.

What I want you to understand is that self-love is the only love you can give yourself so you won't feel unloved once someone doesn't behave the way they use to or how you want them to behave. Self-love is the only real love you can give yourself so you won't suffer from a heartbreak, even though is saddening to loose someone. I remember this quote that fit perfectly in this post; You have to love yourself because no amount of love from others is sufficient to fill the yearning that your soul requires from you.

Self-love and detachment from the person you love is the best remedy to not loose your self-respect or self-love, because once you detach from the person you love you won't feel the lost when things doesn't stick together. If you can't detach yourself from the one you love, then try at least to detach yourself from the situations, maybe an argument or something like being right. Whatever you choose, I hope you will find that kind of love that you want to be efficient in your life. And most important, accept yourself for who you are, that's the true love you can give yourself and everyone else.

Blessings
Mircale

The Approach By My Higher Self, A Way To Enter The Soul.

Tonight I decide to write something new. My life has take a turn, now I'm able to live a life without any worry for money, and from today onwards I will do my best to love myself more. I'm not saying that I have become rich, because of some personal reason I don't need to work anymore. Thanks to the well fare system here in Norway.

5 years ago my life was turned upside down. The approach from my higher self change my whole life completely. My "wake-up call" was activated, and it was quite dramatic and abrupt. Somehow I was ready to take on the mission and ascend to the 4D vibration and even now 5D vibration. That whole week I was rather emotional and could cry over the lost Mother Earth felt about herself, just by reading a channeling from Her. That week I felt like writing, but never knew that what I wrote was a channeling from my higher self and my guides from the above. It was completely amazing week. I was so in tune with the universe and I started to be more emphatic. 

I encountered many lovely souls who helped me to translate most of my channeling from Norwegian to English, and one particular night, I felt my kundalini rose while reading an article regarding the spiritual path, my spine felt warmth and tinge ling, it wasn't uncomfortable hot, but a nice warm feeling rose from the bottom of my spine and up to my neck. I have read about kundalini, and believe that mine was activated that night.

Everything I felt and wrote was so touching, and my higher self wanted to make sure that I know about my true identity, the whole team of my spirits guides was always with me, even during that time and they wanted me to ascend. It was hard to remember my identity, but at last I made it, but before I understand what it means to love myself, I went through a lot of heart ache, pain and suffering. That day I cried my lungs out and couldn't stop. It was so intense. 

When I lied there on my bed that night, I had the feeling that my soul was being dragged out of my body, and in my head I heard several voices cheering me on. They wanted me to ascend so much, but I had to do it myself, I had to remember who I was.. (or am) ..anyway, after feeling that my lips went dry and my soul dragged out one or twice I felt that I was upset, so I stand up, and started to speak loudly, I spoke to those voices I heard in my head. I was so determined and angry about everything that I have been through. I spoke to them with authority and didn't intend to go back to the old ways. 

After being so emotionally drained, I lied down again and suddenly I heard a sweet voice, it's like my twin flame talking to me, but actually it was my higher self. She asked me to love myself, but I didn't knew what it really means to love myself, I thought love means to have sex, but that wasn't the case, love has nothing to do with sex. And then I suddenly remember who I was when I said to myself these words "Crystallize butterfly, butterfly crystallize." The true meaning behind those words was that I'm a crystallize butterfly. It was my identity, even though my higher self jokingly said that I tend to forget, I felt this love for myself truly. I was this forgetful crystallize butterfly who likes to rhyme and write poetry. 

To remember my true soul was amazing! I cried happy tears and couldn't stop myself from smiling. And because of this happening, the activation of my "wake-up call" had made me to be a schizofrenic paranoia in the eyes of those we call doctors and therapist. They claimed that I was sick and in need of medication. I was actually reluctant to be drugged down and got sad because what I went through has become something they mean was unreal. But in the end, I succumb to their opinion about me and started to use medication. And I still use them till now. It was meant to subside my symptoms and stop the psychosis they said. Unwilling to take those medication, I had to put my ego aside and let them treat me. Maybe I need those drugs to be grounded, so whatever it was, I had to go through with the plans my higher self has made for me. 

Beside from that label, another problems arose. An idiotic phobia called phagophobia has made it hard for me this few years. Phagophobia; Fear of swallowing. Yes, I'm afraid to swallow solid foods, and always had to choose foods that is fluid, I can drink water and other beverages just fine, and I also drink nutrition shake (an energy drink). For those thing I can swallow just fine. After awhile for not eating properly, I started to loose weight. Loving myself then wasn't easy, because I got so frustrated and on the verge of given up, but my doctor and therapist always encourage me to eat soup and drink nutrition shake so that I don't loose energy. I did as they told me, and let things solve out themselves, that I might one day eat properly again. 

The bad news is that I'm still afraid to swallow solid foods and haven't gain a bit of weight at all, but the good news is because of this silly "illness" and phobia I can now rest and live a free life without having to worry about my income. I'm glad I live in Norway, and I think this was also planned out by my higher self. I just hope to get on with my mission as soon as possible, but in the mean time, I will do my best to love myself more so that I can vibrate in 5D unconditional love. 

I want to help the world, I want to bring more light and positivity and love to this world. This blog is a way to start spreading the good news about ascension and I want to also enter my Soul by loving myself. I hope you also start to love yourself more than you already do, because you can never love yourself enough... be extravagant about it, just don't become selfish and narcissistic. Otherwise, love yourself truly, I will write more about how I begin to love myself more, maybe it will help giving you an idea on how to love yourself. 

Blessings

Miracle.

Be Free

Ripple after ripple, overflowing with feelings.. emotion, static and motionless. Emotional outburst. Seeing the way with blind eyes, sensing the path with the heart. Stars upon stars circling, twirling around the globe. 

Painting the heart with scars from past events, cracks from the scars opens up light to shine from the soul. Earth needs the sun like I need you. Roaring for attention, but mute when it comes to pain.

I delight and enjoy the flower that blooms by the way side and quench my urge to pick them up and destroy them by the hands. They are beautiful as they are even though they may wither at last and remain as tight buds again in spring.

Spring came and went, so do feelings, they come and go after a dance with the broken heart. Nothing remain the same in eternity. Eternity is a word that longs to be spoken as love is for two couples in love. Eternity is a long time for lovers even if it was for a second. Time can't be measured for those who fully living in the knowing that love is all there is.

Farewell love, summer is over now, but we will meet again, and when that time comes, let us treasure our time together. Let the second become eternity when our eyes meet and our heart mend again from past hurts. Nothing as they say remain the same, maybe we become old, but our soul will always stay young. The soul is wise enough for us to trust it to gives us meaning in the lives we lived.

Nothing would change for the soul, it already knows of the fairy tales that has been shown in our dreams. So, say again our hellos and hug the body tight against each other. We will never part, because we will live in that eternity once our seconds approach us in that single moment. For now, stay bold and be free.

The Unison

In between the hours of loneliness, I feel an attachment to you. You and I was once one, but we got split from each other to experience the 3D world as human beings, but somehow we still are one in some way, because our souls are twinning together in the spirit world. I can feel you as I'm here, even when I dream it seems so real. 

I search for you, every where I go my eyes keeps wander around to look for your presence. How can we be separated for so long and still feel the connection so strong? I hope for an answer, but from where I am, the answer seems so delusional. I hope not to figure out the mystery, however I hunger to understand the mystery we call life. 

I remember the feelings of union with my own soul. I rejoiced to be one with everything, and finally understood and accepted myself for who I was, a true remembrance of myself, my identity. I wish only if I could once again remember that feelings of acceptance and remembrance of myself. Just totally delight in the true being of who I am today. I want to continue the search for this true love that I once had for myself, and then I could love you as you are.

I love you in tears, I love you in denial, and I love you in the between the loneliness. I'm afraid that if I immerge myself so much in loving you that I might forget myself, but if loving you will leads me to the true understanding of love, then forgetting myself won't be a waste. I can see you with close eyes and I can feel you with even a close heart, you are in me, my soul belongs to you from the beginning of time, I have no choice but to be attach to you like skin on your flesh. All I ever wanted to do is to breathe you into my lungs so you can cooperate with my heart to help it beats a lovely song for all to hear. 

They will listen attentively to this song and remember once again about true love, true longing of birds that keeps coming back to the place where there always are spring and sunshine. They will listen fondly to the chirpring of joyful birds, singing in unison for a long lost love that finally reunited. 

Bottomless

Listen, my heart calling out your name.

My longing become an abyss 

Vast and wide

Drinking that elixir 

has made me drunk

The night is long

and the day longer

When will this loneliness end? 

Meiko | Bad Things

Feverish Dreams

Yearning for you in the morning

ending the night with feverish dreams

The Simplicity of Life; Never To Give Up

Life, it is so simple, but still so complicated for my head. I mean, my life is basically a merry-go-round, things keep repeating themselves and it's going around and around, like a never ending circle. First it's my swallowing problems, then it's trusting problem, I really don't know how to deal with them sometimes, but I think I have a knack to get through them somehow. This is basically self-love issue, well, I'm brave enough to admit that I do have self-love issue, because I know I'm fully responsible for those feelings I have inside me. 

At times I still feels life is scary, the most part is because of the responsibility for being an adult. I'm a woman that is nearly 30 years old, but still I can't seems to do well with being an adult. There're so many things I need to look out for. I just bought an apartment in February, and there're already so many bills to pay. I'm trying my best to deal with the material things and my spiritual life. I need to be in balance so I won't get hooked in my emotional drama, but instead being grounded.

Life is pretty much exciting, that's what I feel right now. There're so many new people coming in my life and I feel I'm more open to talk about my feelings, if it ever came up. I can talk about everything actually, there's no end to it, but sometimes I feel like listening more than talk. I do my best to be the best version of myself, and since there're many surprises around how people are thinking and doing I'm more careful to not being so attached to them, even though it's not a problem. Being attached to someone means that you care about them and the connection you have with each other. It's not a bad thing, but when you really get so emotional, then you need to reflect about it and ask yourself why you are being "hurt" when that person seems to not live up to your expectations. At least that is what I do. I always complain to my friend when I feel like being neglected by someone I like, but actually, it's me who have high expectations about how thing should be.

Yes, I'm a human with feelings, I can be vulnerable and complain once in a while, I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, but I still get up each time. Sometimes it's not easy, but at least I don't give up.

Love With All Your Might

To fall in love is magical, but to stay in love is even better. I have seen when people sleep, in that moment I realize that they are so peaceful and innocence. They are in a state where they are completely vulnerable. You would never know what they harbor inside their heart or mind, it could be many different things; lost dreams, broken promises, guilt, shame and much more. And I think people with depression is having their worst nightmare when they are awake with such negatives thoughts; it destroy the tranquility and innocence with just an instant. 

Although they are in depression, but they still have moments where they are happy, joyful, and hopeful. They are not totally lost, but they doesn't know that. Not everything are dark and hollow as they think. You probably have been through it, or know someone who going through it. Whatever that might be, tell them, that their existence count and that they are never alone. Tell them that somewhere someone is waiting to crack their heart open so more light can enter. Someone out there is reaching out their hand, too, and welcome them into their embrace. We all have been upset, sad and broken, so why hide ourselves from each other? 

We all have been "sad-mad", because of our loneliness. We all have been the one who couldn't see the light and felt the emptiness where nothing could fill those hollow spaces. If we have been through it, and walk out alive, why wouldn't we help those who are now going through what we have been through. If we are to tired from walking alone and stumble in the darkness, we need someone who would come and save us by holding up a torch to light up the way so that we can see our path and remind us that we can always look up at the stars when it's dark. 

There are so many wonderful people out there who can motivate us and inspire us to keep going ahead or just slow down so we won't get stress out. I think we all need to remember that we aren't in a race and that we can go on with our own pace. Another thing that is important to remember is that we don't have a reason to love no matter what it is. Don't misunderstand me when I say you should love no matter what it is. If someone has delusion and feel the urge to kill to get a relief, and brain washed to believe that they love to kill, then it might be something they need to seek help for. If you love to do something that would harm yourself then it's delusional, a habit or just something you need to work on. No one is perfect, but there are always room to improve and never to late to start improving yourself.

By improving yourself it's crucial to accept yourself for who you are, by accepting who you are, you can forgive yourself for being imperfect. Forgive yourself for all your faults and all your imperfection. Understand that it will take some time to change, but never believe that you are less than anyone else, because you use a bit longer to change. The time you give yourself is necessary, and it doesn't matter how long it will take, as long as you give yourself permission to heal in the pace you feel it's right for you, I'm sure you will eventually turn your life up-side down and what's is better to finally love the person you are meant to be. 

We all needs love, and who else can love ourselves better than ourselves? As long as you love yourself, you will never feel the lack when someone is doing their best to love you with the ability they have. If someone feels the lack and insecurities with the love you give them, then forgive them, they, too, needs to be reminded that they need to pour more of that self-love into their heart.

Love with all your might, and that will be enough. 

Love

I want to talk less and listen more, I want to live instead of thinking, I want to make mistake so that I can learn, and most of all, I want to love with every ounce of my bones. 

I was in love so many times, but never knew that love was more than just falling in love, until I met her. To this day I still love her like I did back then. I was falling in love with her, and I could never experience such strong feelings for anyone than I felt for her. Just the thought of her being with someone else could bring tears to my eyes and pain in my heart. It was difficult each time we part, but still I couldn't hate her for "hurting" me, which she never did. She only brought the pain I had inside me so I could see it and release it, even though I have been "hurt" so many times, but really, it wasn't them who hurt me, the only thing that hurt me was my expectations of how things would be, it was all in my head. 

It was them and then it was her, and now it's only me. Yes, this time around I'm dedicating my love to myself. It's necessary for me to love myself, so that I can love anyone else. I want to feel that what they give me is enough, so that I could recognize their love behind their actions and behavior. I don't want to trust the words alone, but all that they give by their actions. I don't want to sit with my insecurities and doubt. I don't want to be blinded by fears, with eyes that see but couldn't feel. I want to see with my heart and feel with my soul. I want it, I desire it, it's the living force that fuel me to dream bigger, and now, desire must drop, and wanting must detach itself from my being, I must be one with my heart and soul. I must keep this promise close to my heart, that whatever that happens to me is an opportunity to grow and evolve. 

After all, all this was love and has always been love.

The Meaning of Being Alive

Sometimes I try to find a meaning to my life, but at some point I just feel like giving up or just ask God to give me a clue. I asked Him what I should do with certain things and I wondered if he actually hear me, but however I know that He would give me a meaning even if I didn't ask. 

It was hard to live a life where you couldn't see a point or meaning in what you were doing or even thinking. Like walking around with a body without any vitality, just exist but not really is "there" to realize that life was meaningful. I'm not sure why I thought my life was wasted or unworthy, and certainly I wasn't sure if being alive or exist has a meaning to anyone. I thought about it a lot and did my best to understand the meaning behind my existence. I beat myself up every time I couldn't find the answer, so I started to criticize myself for being useless, for being stupid etc. 

Being online had somehow given me a meaning to exist, because there I could be myself and took off my mask, because when someone asked me how I felt, I would be honest and actually share my feelings. I was an introvert, I didn't speak much, I wasn't popular at school, so I didn't have so many friends, but when I finally took a step outside my comfort zone, and getting to know more people, I become more sure about my abilities to care and be there for people, I got more friends. It was one particular girl that I bonded really fast. She was a friend of a friend and we got introduce to each other. I didn't thought that we would bond so fast, because we were different, but there were one thing we both have in common, it was our openness, she was herself from the beginning, she never make an excuse for being herself, she was also very friendly and I felt that I like talking to her. It was strange, because I have seen her once before, but never thought that we would ever meet or become friends. Anyway, we talked a lot and found out that we had a lot in common. After talking with her, and since I lived in another town, we started to write letters to each other. 

I felt I can be myself around her and I could tell her how I felt, for the first time without being online, but in real life. She accepted me and my behavior, though I never behaved poorly or bad. I was just being me that time with my emotions. It was a beginning of our friendship, that I also accepted her for who she was; we are best friends now, and we has always been open to each other about how we felt and neither one of us manipulate the other to feel bad about how we felt or who we was; I'm truly lucky to have her as my best friend.

So, now I really think about it again, about the meaning of my life. The first meaning God gave me for being alive and exist was my siblings, the second was my mom and the third was my best friend. After realizing how my existence affect them, I become more sure about life and its meaning. More and more meaning adds up in my life. I become more and more open about my feelings for other people, I'm not saying that I'm not scare to open myself up for people I like, I'm still afraid sometimes, but it doesn't hinder me to be myself or make me want to crawl back to my cave. I hit the balance between being an introvert and extrovert. Life is more interesting now, there's more meaning to it than never before. I'm sure that we exist for a reason, even though we couldn't understand it now, doesn't mean that we would never understand it. 

For those who are depress or alone, don't give up life to soon, even though I know it's hard, even harder to not thinking of killing yourself when the pain is taking over you and your loneliness become like a dark hole. Believe me, I was there, I was also a victim of my depression and the suicidal thought kept crossing my mind. It wasn't a day I didn't think of hating myself for being so depress or that I wasn't worthy to receive any love, but somehow I wasn't alone, I had myself, the person that who would never gave up on myself was me. It wasn't me alone who sticking up to me, a piece of the divine was with me and is still with me. God gave me His divinity, a source inside me and my motivator to keep me staying alive.

Don't freak out when I talk about God, He/She might not exist for you, but whatever it is you perceive to be the source of your life, believe it, have faith in it. Don't forsake your hope to believe that you also is meaningful and worthy of love and a healthful life. Take back your power, and look at yourself as someone worthy of your love, your life has a meaning the day your were conceived, don't forget to search for your meaning if you haven't found it, keep looking, those who search will eventually find it.

The Wounded Child

Who hear her cry when no one is around, who hear her scream when the night has fallen down. Who has shut the gate to heaven and left her here all alone. I wonder what keeps her saint, I remember she wasn't the only one who left home, but among billions of people she felt she was stranded alone. 

For her, anxiety was the way of living, her life was drained and she succumb into the feeling of helplessness, she was wounded and hurt to the point where tears kept falling down her cheeks every night the sun has settle down. She was a victim of her emotions, they kept haunting her every time she closed her eyes. Somehow she felt nobody would ever understand her loneliness or cure her from thinking that everything is hopeless and without meaning. The feeling of emptiness was all she has and that's how she would describe herself when someone ask her how she feel.

Depression got under her skin, she couldn't scratch it away, so she tore her flesh open while watching the blood ease the pain. It felt so good and she felt so free. One line of blood, two lines of bloods, they kept piling up outside her skin. She marked herself and counted the days; one hundred days and she still feels this way; broken in pieces.

Give her hope and pray for her, all she needs is little of your time and love. Share and care for the person that she trapped inside herself; a little wounded child that needs attention from herself and everyone around.

Passion In Life

I was once awake, but then I slowly went into hibernation and fell into a dreamworld where I never wanted to be awake again. Something just slowly blossoms inside of me, it took roots in my heart and stirred my soul. I think I can't never be the same again. Where there is hollow and empty spaces I'm there to fill it up. Where there are tears and broken dreams I'm there to rekindle a spark in theirs heart, but then I wish someone would do the same for me. 

I was once a broken glass, which glue couldn't glue me back, but being shattered by the hands that made me, deformed me into this person I could no longer recognize. I was there watching myself transformed even though my mind couldn't perceive what was happening to me, my soul ached to know the supreme power of change. Yes, I was changed, but why have I lost my passion to live? Why do I roam around looking for something I have never had? Maybe the longing for unity made me this way. Storms can't be prevent, but there will always be a place or someone to give me shelter. I still have hope in humanity, and faith in God, maybe that's enough to restore my passion in life again? 

Thoughts of Nanushka

We do not have to rely

upon memories

to recapture the spirit

of those we have loved and lost -

they live within our souls

in some perfect sanctuary

which even death

cannot destroy -

From The Thoughts of Nanushka Vol VII-XII - Nan Witcomb

A Way Out

Go Ahead And Love

If loving someone, why being afraid to tell them? If wanting someone, why afraid to let them know? The thing we want the most is love, then why are we so afraid to show it? Your mind denied your affection for someone soul, it won't let you open up, because it threaten you, make you fearful, that you might be rejected for how you feel. 

If loving someone is to let them go, and not wanting to possess them as something you own, then you are one step up the ladder, you are loving unconditional. It's hard, but it's something worth trying. Your breath will be short, your heart will pound like crazy, your eyes might spill tears, but what is better than to love and be loved in return? Even though your love is unrequited, isn't it enough to just love without expectations and desire. 

But love without desire is mostly not passionate, if you love so much that your heart ache then it's the desire to love without any inhibition, you should honor that aching, a rose without thorns is not a rose. A love without desire is not love truly, even whatever that desire must be, but if it must be anything, then let that desire be to love without expectation, let it be unconditional. Because a long the line, you are just a soul experience a human form, but it's not impossible to love unconditional. You just have to learn the art of loving yourself, your feelings and your thoughts. If you are afraid to love, your heart will always direct you towards someone who will crack you open so that you can take a peek inside yourself and see that love is all there is.

Maybe to love is painful and hard, when the time spending together ends, but isn't it worth saving the memories and cherish time spend together? Love never end truly, but we just believe that this is the only life we have, but who know about the life after that or the life before that. Maybe we should let love decide our destiny. Whatever brought us here are watching over us. We must trust that love and have faith and patience with ourselves so that we might understand why we fear the thing we want the most. 

To persuade love to cleanse our pain and heartache are the only remedy we need to go on. What we fear the most, is what we need to love the most. Our fears aren't there for no reason. It learn us to honor our feelings, to not resist to face it and make it our friends instead of our enemies. Love is not complex, it's quite simple, the only reason is that our thoughts make it more difficult to understand our underlying fears towards it. While our heart paints our love with all the color it inhabit, our soul is eager to try once more and direct its love towards someone or something so we won't feel shallow or lonely. Go ahead, love with all your faults and imperfections, no one needs to know that you have feared to love or shed tears when glooming thoughts appear in your mind. 

Do Not Miss Your Dream

Chasing someone that runs away from you is exhaustible, waiting for them to come are agonizing. Even harder is it to pretend that you don't care. And then ignore your five senses, that's when your sixth sense comes in handy, but how do we open our heart without the mind interfering with our desire to be vulnerable? Maybe just plunge into the water, but that would be like suicidal when you haven't been taught to swim. Going down or getting up? Fighting with the logic of the mind or lying dormant waiting for the desire to take over? Should I be in control or let it go out of control? Left or right, true or false? 

Frustration doesn't help the heart any better. Then change is imminent, change is necessary. When peace is attain, everything falls into place. To change my thoughts and my navigations, I can steer towards the future with good conscience, and I hope the mind won't try to shackle me down in chain. Disturb my soul, it needs to wake up, it needs to stay guard so my mind won't disturb me and prevent me from falling asleep. Sleep; because dreams are better than reality. 

Finding You

You Are A Part of Me

My Imagination

I'm dreaming, to steal glances at you while you sit beside me, then I will reach out my hand to touch your. I will hold it in my hand and look into your eyes before I lay a gently soft kiss on your lips. We may be world apart, but still my heart is at your place since my mind seems to wander of to where you are. 

Imagining that the world stand still for a moment when our lips meet for the first time, the world is just a blur when we both are together. We might can't stop time, but being with you in that moment will last an eternity. And I might not be satisfied with just an eternity, because being away from you make my heart longing to see you again, but still I'll cherish that moment where I pine and yearn after to hold you in my arms. 

The clock is ticking away my yearning, my heart beats rhythmically to your heart beats, and my soul dance such a feverish dance by the thoughts of you. Think how it would be like if this become our reality, while in my mind it's already so real as it could be.

From The Same Source

Somewhere I belong to the desert land, anywhere else I can't find the thirst to understand what love is. If I lost myself and my heart, I'll not bow down and feel defeated but stay strong and keep faith. Look at the sky, many clouds could go awry in a blink of an eye, make raindrops fall heavily down the earth, but still, the sky stay the same.

Who can be sure of what tomorrow might bring, and who would understand that the heart which never betray the soul will be cheated by the mind to believe that eternity is finite. Ego speaks the language of the mischievous devil, while the spirit keep silence because it knows that there is no need to prove it existence.

You can find contentment in books and trust that it would not lead your soul astray. Books are old souls written in words, some are for entertaining, some are to guide you through your life and some might not be at all trusting, but in them you will find the knowledge to stand against the enslavement of the Ego.

Even when the universe is boundless and vast you will never get lost, because your soul knows the way back to where you belong. The stars are magically lit up upon your path, don't get frighten by the darkness. All are bound together, even the light and darkness are made from the same source. That's why we are not that different from one another. 

Closer

When I'm lost, look for me, when I'm scared hold me close and hug me tight. In this world we don't own anything, but we still believe that which belong to us will always come back. Deep down in my heart I still believe that you will come back one day. You gave me a sign, a green light that I might act upon, but I'm too scare that you might disappear again. We have been through, the long chase, you were once there and then you left, you got back, but still you didn't want to settle and disappear again.

I was always chasing you, frantically and desperately, you were the runner and I'm the chaser. We were both afraid of the intense and intimate relation of our past to really stand still at one place face to face. Our beginning never reach the end. You might not be a part of my life, but you will never be apart from my heart. 

Love Letters

Even When There's Silence

How is that I find the joy in silence. The peace and the serenity, they dawned upon me like snowflakes. You have come into my life just like a gift I'm eager to open. In the waiting for you my longing seems to pile up inside my heart. Waiting and longing are inseparable, one comes first then the other follow. Each morning the sunbeams glowing through my curtains and adds more joy to my life. The dreams I had was close to reality, and each time I go to bed and lie my head on the pillow I think of you. I close my eyes and imagine how your sweet lips would touch mine. Your existence resolved the mysteries upon my dreams. I climb the staircase one by one when we speak the night away, and for each step I take, I'm getting closer to your soul. Mine soul or your soul would be the same, because we both are infuse with the same light. 

If I take the first step would you meet me half way? You give me a reason to not look back at the time tears were rolling and falling down from my eyes, and another reason to believe that I can once again fall in love. It's possible and without thinking the door to my heart has already been open to welcome you inside. You live there inside my heart and with the hope and the faith that tomorrow will brings us even closer. I live for that day and the only time I'm finding myself longing for someone so precious as you, my joy become more ecstatic even when there's silence.

Falling in Love

FALLING in love 
is a recurring illness -
the heady nights
and dizzy days,
the raging fever
and the pain -
recovery - 
slow convalescence
with the uncertainty
of where and when or if
this wondrous sickness
will strike again . .

A Stranger

An Unsuspected Journey

As I grew up, I didn’t know how to actually find love and I wonder why I tried to search for it, but somehow it was because I felt I didn’t have it. What I experienced throughout my childhood was nothing but pain. I felt that I was powerless and fragile. I suffered, but didn’t really know that I suffer. I was told many things, and most of them was very destructible. I felt crushed under a pile of words. They were like bricks that fell onto my head. Sometimes like arrows penetrating my heart. I suffered great deal from those mean words my mom used to say to me when she got mad. Sometimes I didn’t even know why she was mad. The only thought I had was because I did something wrong. As a child I didn’t know much, but my mom taught me many things, and one of them was how to please people, mostly her. I never knew that I could choose a better option for myself and say the word «no». I never utter the word no to anyone when they ask me to do them a favor. I really wanted to say no, but never knew how. Because I was taught to be an adult at the age of 4, that was when my little sister and little brother came to this world and made me a big sister. Of course I learned how to take care of them as I was taught to please the adults. Things were already difficult, and my mom didn’t make it easier. She had her moments when everything was bliss and joy, but she could changed her mood very abruptly. Clear sky could become cloudy and stormy. Thunder might even strike us in the face as in a slap. Everything could possibly happen to us if she was mad enough. And usually she was mad out of no reason. 

I was a submissive child who carry a lot of worries on my shoulder at a young age and the time I grew up, I become more silent and melancholy. My mom had already made me into something I wasn’t proud of. It was hard for me to feel proud of myself, because she has never really expressed that she was proud of me. She often used to threat me with her words by saying that she won’t love me if I don’t do as she said. Sometimes when I really stand my ground and said no or even show a little emotion she would smack me and made me feel small and powerless. I become fearful to her. And learned that I couldn’t say no or else I would not have a place in her heart or she might abandon me for myself. I didn’t know that what she made me believe then was wrong or unreasonable. The only thing I knew then was that it hurt, doesn’t matter if it was words she said or the pain from a smack. 

All those things made me questions my life and my existence, hence the search for love and acceptance was even greater. I didn’t realize that I embark on a journey that lead to who I am today. A journey that made me stand out and become different from the rest of my friends and family. Along the line where I searched for the truth and freedom, I couldn’t erase all those negatives comments she made about me. And the worst thing was that I still carry her lessons about how to please and never to say my opinions. Somehow I thought it damage me more than it already does, but the true learning about oneself is through pain, the greater the pain, the greater is love. 

Throughout my teenage years I had believed that I was less than good, I had to please others to be accepted and always agreed so I can feel that I’m loved. My melancholy grew ever so bigger as the time pass by, and I felt like I lost everything each time my mom get mad at me for the thing she made me believed to be my fault. It was useless to cry in front of her, she never accepted it, she even said that it was crocodile tears, but even though the craziness seems endless the only thing that kept me saint was my search for the truth, the love and the freedom. My heart used to ache because of sorrow, and I could never emptied it, even an ocean of tears couldn’t ease my pain. It was horrible and I felt I was living in hell. The pain and suffering was so great that I sometimes wanted to kill myself, but something inside me told me to keep going. And I kept going, the only reason was I already had so much love for my younger siblings and always wanted the best for them. I wanted to give them a better future and everything I wish I had but never really felt that I have; love and acceptance. Somehow they kept me going further and further into every crack and nook in my own depth of sorrow. It was like going through a tunnel, only that light was at the end of the tunnel, but I felt I never reached it. I then accepted my faith and understand that caring for my younger siblings was my duty. So I tried my best to be perfect at all time, but only to know that I failed miserly.

Another thing that kept me saint was my computer and the internet. When I connect online, chatting with people that I found on the dating site or MSN truly made me feel more like myself. I was humble, wise and caring. Witty and fun to talk with. I made more friends there than in real life even though I do write letters to my friends from time to time. But I did feel like the only thing that could truly make me happy was the internet and the people I was chatting with. Because only there I could feel relax and myself. I was allow to take off my mask and be real. I become more confident also, because people seems to like me. Some even said they were in love with me, even though they haven’t met me yet. I got caught in the web, literally. I was always finding time to spend on the internet, and sometimes neglect my chores. The internet become my life, and when even at school where there are computers connect with internet I would get online to check my e-mails and other messages. I was hooked. I felt that the computer and internet saved me from my pain and the suffering lessen, but the downside to it was, it was only a virtual life, it wasn’t real. I was still submissive in the real world, I was still melancholy and silent. I was an introvert. Shy and didn’t talk much. It was too good to be true, even how much realness I brought into my words when I chat with people, but it didn’t really changed the way I was in real life. 

Later when I turned 16, a chance dawned upon me. I had finally given the choice of moving alone or moving back with my older sister in Lillehammer. It was so easy to make a choice that I didn’t have to think it through. I wanted to move alone, because being a babysitter for my siblings really weight me down and as they also have their own personality and I never had the heart to yell or scream at them when they fight with each other or didn’t listen to what I said. I could be mad, but the only thing I did was to be silent and sullen. I took the chance I got and move out for myself, my mom didn’t help much, she didn’t find a place for me to live in or anything, but fortunately I already befriended a guy on the internet, and he was helping me so I could rent a room in an apartment with two other men from his friend that owned the apartment. It was such a thrill to be living for myself that I didn’t think it through. Especially how to deal with men and other people that approached me. I was very naive, but the safest thing I did was to keep for myself as long as I could. The room was actually very small, but the rent was  cheap, so I get by, thus the journey begin.