The Meaning of Being Alive

Sometimes I try to find a meaning to my life, but at some point I just feel like giving up or just ask God to give me a clue. I asked Him what I should do with certain things and I wondered if he actually hear me, but however I know that He would give me a meaning even if I didn't ask. 

It was hard to live a life where you couldn't see a point or meaning in what you were doing or even thinking. Like walking around with a body without any vitality, just exist but not really is "there" to realize that life was meaningful. I'm not sure why I thought my life was wasted or unworthy, and certainly I wasn't sure if being alive or exist has a meaning to anyone. I thought about it a lot and did my best to understand the meaning behind my existence. I beat myself up every time I couldn't find the answer, so I started to criticize myself for being useless, for being stupid etc. 

Being online had somehow given me a meaning to exist, because there I could be myself and took off my mask, because when someone asked me how I felt, I would be honest and actually share my feelings. I was an introvert, I didn't speak much, I wasn't popular at school, so I didn't have so many friends, but when I finally took a step outside my comfort zone, and getting to know more people, I become more sure about my abilities to care and be there for people, I got more friends. It was one particular girl that I bonded really fast. She was a friend of a friend and we got introduce to each other. I didn't thought that we would bond so fast, because we were different, but there were one thing we both have in common, it was our openness, she was herself from the beginning, she never make an excuse for being herself, she was also very friendly and I felt that I like talking to her. It was strange, because I have seen her once before, but never thought that we would ever meet or become friends. Anyway, we talked a lot and found out that we had a lot in common. After talking with her, and since I lived in another town, we started to write letters to each other. 

I felt I can be myself around her and I could tell her how I felt, for the first time without being online, but in real life. She accepted me and my behavior, though I never behaved poorly or bad. I was just being me that time with my emotions. It was a beginning of our friendship, that I also accepted her for who she was; we are best friends now, and we has always been open to each other about how we felt and neither one of us manipulate the other to feel bad about how we felt or who we was; I'm truly lucky to have her as my best friend.

So, now I really think about it again, about the meaning of my life. The first meaning God gave me for being alive and exist was my siblings, the second was my mom and the third was my best friend. After realizing how my existence affect them, I become more sure about life and its meaning. More and more meaning adds up in my life. I become more and more open about my feelings for other people, I'm not saying that I'm not scare to open myself up for people I like, I'm still afraid sometimes, but it doesn't hinder me to be myself or make me want to crawl back to my cave. I hit the balance between being an introvert and extrovert. Life is more interesting now, there's more meaning to it than never before. I'm sure that we exist for a reason, even though we couldn't understand it now, doesn't mean that we would never understand it. 

For those who are depress or alone, don't give up life to soon, even though I know it's hard, even harder to not thinking of killing yourself when the pain is taking over you and your loneliness become like a dark hole. Believe me, I was there, I was also a victim of my depression and the suicidal thought kept crossing my mind. It wasn't a day I didn't think of hating myself for being so depress or that I wasn't worthy to receive any love, but somehow I wasn't alone, I had myself, the person that who would never gave up on myself was me. It wasn't me alone who sticking up to me, a piece of the divine was with me and is still with me. God gave me His divinity, a source inside me and my motivator to keep me staying alive.

Don't freak out when I talk about God, He/She might not exist for you, but whatever it is you perceive to be the source of your life, believe it, have faith in it. Don't forsake your hope to believe that you also is meaningful and worthy of love and a healthful life. Take back your power, and look at yourself as someone worthy of your love, your life has a meaning the day your were conceived, don't forget to search for your meaning if you haven't found it, keep looking, those who search will eventually find it.