An Unsuspected Journey

As I grew up, I didn’t know how to actually find love and I wonder why I tried to search for it, but somehow it was because I felt I didn’t have it. What I experienced throughout my childhood was nothing but pain. I felt that I was powerless and fragile. I suffered, but didn’t really know that I suffer. I was told many things, and most of them was very destructible. I felt crushed under a pile of words. They were like bricks that fell onto my head. Sometimes like arrows penetrating my heart. I suffered great deal from those mean words my mom used to say to me when she got mad. Sometimes I didn’t even know why she was mad. The only thought I had was because I did something wrong. As a child I didn’t know much, but my mom taught me many things, and one of them was how to please people, mostly her. I never knew that I could choose a better option for myself and say the word «no». I never utter the word no to anyone when they ask me to do them a favor. I really wanted to say no, but never knew how. Because I was taught to be an adult at the age of 4, that was when my little sister and little brother came to this world and made me a big sister. Of course I learned how to take care of them as I was taught to please the adults. Things were already difficult, and my mom didn’t make it easier. She had her moments when everything was bliss and joy, but she could changed her mood very abruptly. Clear sky could become cloudy and stormy. Thunder might even strike us in the face as in a slap. Everything could possibly happen to us if she was mad enough. And usually she was mad out of no reason. 

I was a submissive child who carry a lot of worries on my shoulder at a young age and the time I grew up, I become more silent and melancholy. My mom had already made me into something I wasn’t proud of. It was hard for me to feel proud of myself, because she has never really expressed that she was proud of me. She often used to threat me with her words by saying that she won’t love me if I don’t do as she said. Sometimes when I really stand my ground and said no or even show a little emotion she would smack me and made me feel small and powerless. I become fearful to her. And learned that I couldn’t say no or else I would not have a place in her heart or she might abandon me for myself. I didn’t know that what she made me believe then was wrong or unreasonable. The only thing I knew then was that it hurt, doesn’t matter if it was words she said or the pain from a smack. 

All those things made me questions my life and my existence, hence the search for love and acceptance was even greater. I didn’t realize that I embark on a journey that lead to who I am today. A journey that made me stand out and become different from the rest of my friends and family. Along the line where I searched for the truth and freedom, I couldn’t erase all those negatives comments she made about me. And the worst thing was that I still carry her lessons about how to please and never to say my opinions. Somehow I thought it damage me more than it already does, but the true learning about oneself is through pain, the greater the pain, the greater is love. 

Throughout my teenage years I had believed that I was less than good, I had to please others to be accepted and always agreed so I can feel that I’m loved. My melancholy grew ever so bigger as the time pass by, and I felt like I lost everything each time my mom get mad at me for the thing she made me believed to be my fault. It was useless to cry in front of her, she never accepted it, she even said that it was crocodile tears, but even though the craziness seems endless the only thing that kept me saint was my search for the truth, the love and the freedom. My heart used to ache because of sorrow, and I could never emptied it, even an ocean of tears couldn’t ease my pain. It was horrible and I felt I was living in hell. The pain and suffering was so great that I sometimes wanted to kill myself, but something inside me told me to keep going. And I kept going, the only reason was I already had so much love for my younger siblings and always wanted the best for them. I wanted to give them a better future and everything I wish I had but never really felt that I have; love and acceptance. Somehow they kept me going further and further into every crack and nook in my own depth of sorrow. It was like going through a tunnel, only that light was at the end of the tunnel, but I felt I never reached it. I then accepted my faith and understand that caring for my younger siblings was my duty. So I tried my best to be perfect at all time, but only to know that I failed miserly.

Another thing that kept me saint was my computer and the internet. When I connect online, chatting with people that I found on the dating site or MSN truly made me feel more like myself. I was humble, wise and caring. Witty and fun to talk with. I made more friends there than in real life even though I do write letters to my friends from time to time. But I did feel like the only thing that could truly make me happy was the internet and the people I was chatting with. Because only there I could feel relax and myself. I was allow to take off my mask and be real. I become more confident also, because people seems to like me. Some even said they were in love with me, even though they haven’t met me yet. I got caught in the web, literally. I was always finding time to spend on the internet, and sometimes neglect my chores. The internet become my life, and when even at school where there are computers connect with internet I would get online to check my e-mails and other messages. I was hooked. I felt that the computer and internet saved me from my pain and the suffering lessen, but the downside to it was, it was only a virtual life, it wasn’t real. I was still submissive in the real world, I was still melancholy and silent. I was an introvert. Shy and didn’t talk much. It was too good to be true, even how much realness I brought into my words when I chat with people, but it didn’t really changed the way I was in real life. 

Later when I turned 16, a chance dawned upon me. I had finally given the choice of moving alone or moving back with my older sister in Lillehammer. It was so easy to make a choice that I didn’t have to think it through. I wanted to move alone, because being a babysitter for my siblings really weight me down and as they also have their own personality and I never had the heart to yell or scream at them when they fight with each other or didn’t listen to what I said. I could be mad, but the only thing I did was to be silent and sullen. I took the chance I got and move out for myself, my mom didn’t help much, she didn’t find a place for me to live in or anything, but fortunately I already befriended a guy on the internet, and he was helping me so I could rent a room in an apartment with two other men from his friend that owned the apartment. It was such a thrill to be living for myself that I didn’t think it through. Especially how to deal with men and other people that approached me. I was very naive, but the safest thing I did was to keep for myself as long as I could. The room was actually very small, but the rent was  cheap, so I get by, thus the journey begin.