Me and My Inner Voice

(I borrow this image, it's so true with my heading.)

I always want to write something meaningful. Something that maybe will help people to understand me and themself a little better, but actually, I am the only one who want to write something that I alone can comprehend. Poetry or rhyme, I still have a long way to go.... God knows how much I've tried to be a better person in this vast world. But do I really have to give myself away? Just like I always had? Or can I just shut my mouth and stare at life with a keen eye and a curious mind? It's funny how much I say I love... but still I can't find ways to love myself; truly love myself for who I am.

It's so difficult with all the beliefs that I have about myself. It's like peeling the onion... I find new and interesting thing about myself by peeling a layer after another. When will it all end? Really, I can't stop guessing... and wondering about my life and all the most how it will end. To be honest. I just want to live a normal life without the voices in my head telling me what to do and what not to do. I keep praying to God to give me a normal and blissful life. At least a life that is not base on surviving alone. But somehow it seems like I've been living a lie, all these time.

Is it really OK to listen to my inner voice? But it seems like it's not only a voice alone, there's several of them and some of them is not even mine. How do I know? Well, I feel I have an inner navigation system inside my heart that tells me which way I should take and not taking. My heart tells me which path I should embark on and which I need to steer away from. That is the only voice that's really mine. (Is this a correct way to phrase what I want to say? Do you understand my writing?)

*Sigh* Maybe I will never learn how to write proper English. It take so much time, and I don't have the patience or time to even learn the grammar. I think I have dyslexia and I stutter a lot when I speak. Usually I don't have the patience to wait for myself. This is how much I love myself, it's not at all what I mean when I say - love yourself. *making a weird face* Why can I love myself thoroughly?? .. "easy now young lady, you will learn."

There it is.. my inner voice being all patiently and caring towards me. "You will learn with time, there's no need to rush yourself unnecessarily."

I think it's truly is a good idea to listen to my inner voice. I will learn with time... I --I - I must think for myself and believe in m--myself! Damn it! I'm stuttering again and really... this disbelief is getting to me, because right now I have difficulty finding the correct words to make a sentence!! *rolling the eyes in disbelief* "Why don't you just take a breath or two..."

*Laughing out Loud..* Really, I always hold my breath when I try too much.. it doesn't matter what it is.. I just keep holding my breath and going all confuse.. it's very frustrating! To be frank with you, I don't like to even swear! But damn it!! I must take a break or two before I'll go all blue.. ag-ai-n. *shaking the head in disappointment.*

Adieu, I will write again soon.

- Crystallized ƸӜƷ