Bottomless

Listen, my heart calling out your name.

My longing become an abyss 

Vast and wide

Drinking that elixir 

has made me drunk

The night is long

and the day longer

When will this loneliness end? 

Meiko | Bad Things

Feverish Dreams

Yearning for you in the morning

ending the night with feverish dreams

The Simplicity of Life; Never To Give Up

Life, it is so simple, but still so complicated for my head. I mean, my life is basically a merry-go-round, things keep repeating themselves and it's going around and around, like a never ending circle. First it's my swallowing problems, then it's trusting problem, I really don't know how to deal with them sometimes, but I think I have a knack to get through them somehow. This is basically self-love issue, well, I'm brave enough to admit that I do have self-love issue, because I know I'm fully responsible for those feelings I have inside me. 

At times I still feels life is scary, the most part is because of the responsibility for being an adult. I'm a woman that is nearly 30 years old, but still I can't seems to do well with being an adult. There're so many things I need to look out for. I just bought an apartment in February, and there're already so many bills to pay. I'm trying my best to deal with the material things and my spiritual life. I need to be in balance so I won't get hooked in my emotional drama, but instead being grounded.

Life is pretty much exciting, that's what I feel right now. There're so many new people coming in my life and I feel I'm more open to talk about my feelings, if it ever came up. I can talk about everything actually, there's no end to it, but sometimes I feel like listening more than talk. I do my best to be the best version of myself, and since there're many surprises around how people are thinking and doing I'm more careful to not being so attached to them, even though it's not a problem. Being attached to someone means that you care about them and the connection you have with each other. It's not a bad thing, but when you really get so emotional, then you need to reflect about it and ask yourself why you are being "hurt" when that person seems to not live up to your expectations. At least that is what I do. I always complain to my friend when I feel like being neglected by someone I like, but actually, it's me who have high expectations about how thing should be.

Yes, I'm a human with feelings, I can be vulnerable and complain once in a while, I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, but I still get up each time. Sometimes it's not easy, but at least I don't give up.

Love With All Your Might

To fall in love is magical, but to stay in love is even better. I have seen when people sleep, in that moment I realize that they are so peaceful and innocence. They are in a state where they are completely vulnerable. You would never know what they harbor inside their heart or mind, it could be many different things; lost dreams, broken promises, guilt, shame and much more. And I think people with depression is having their worst nightmare when they are awake with such negatives thoughts; it destroy the tranquility and innocence with just an instant. 

Although they are in depression, but they still have moments where they are happy, joyful, and hopeful. They are not totally lost, but they doesn't know that. Not everything are dark and hollow as they think. You probably have been through it, or know someone who going through it. Whatever that might be, tell them, that their existence count and that they are never alone. Tell them that somewhere someone is waiting to crack their heart open so more light can enter. Someone out there is reaching out their hand, too, and welcome them into their embrace. We all have been upset, sad and broken, so why hide ourselves from each other? 

We all have been "sad-mad", because of our loneliness. We all have been the one who couldn't see the light and felt the emptiness where nothing could fill those hollow spaces. If we have been through it, and walk out alive, why wouldn't we help those who are now going through what we have been through. If we are to tired from walking alone and stumble in the darkness, we need someone who would come and save us by holding up a torch to light up the way so that we can see our path and remind us that we can always look up at the stars when it's dark. 

There are so many wonderful people out there who can motivate us and inspire us to keep going ahead or just slow down so we won't get stress out. I think we all need to remember that we aren't in a race and that we can go on with our own pace. Another thing that is important to remember is that we don't have a reason to love no matter what it is. Don't misunderstand me when I say you should love no matter what it is. If someone has delusion and feel the urge to kill to get a relief, and brain washed to believe that they love to kill, then it might be something they need to seek help for. If you love to do something that would harm yourself then it's delusional, a habit or just something you need to work on. No one is perfect, but there are always room to improve and never to late to start improving yourself.

By improving yourself it's crucial to accept yourself for who you are, by accepting who you are, you can forgive yourself for being imperfect. Forgive yourself for all your faults and all your imperfection. Understand that it will take some time to change, but never believe that you are less than anyone else, because you use a bit longer to change. The time you give yourself is necessary, and it doesn't matter how long it will take, as long as you give yourself permission to heal in the pace you feel it's right for you, I'm sure you will eventually turn your life up-side down and what's is better to finally love the person you are meant to be. 

We all needs love, and who else can love ourselves better than ourselves? As long as you love yourself, you will never feel the lack when someone is doing their best to love you with the ability they have. If someone feels the lack and insecurities with the love you give them, then forgive them, they, too, needs to be reminded that they need to pour more of that self-love into their heart.

Love with all your might, and that will be enough. 

Love

I want to talk less and listen more, I want to live instead of thinking, I want to make mistake so that I can learn, and most of all, I want to love with every ounce of my bones. 

I was in love so many times, but never knew that love was more than just falling in love, until I met her. To this day I still love her like I did back then. I was falling in love with her, and I could never experience such strong feelings for anyone than I felt for her. Just the thought of her being with someone else could bring tears to my eyes and pain in my heart. It was difficult each time we part, but still I couldn't hate her for "hurting" me, which she never did. She only brought the pain I had inside me so I could see it and release it, even though I have been "hurt" so many times, but really, it wasn't them who hurt me, the only thing that hurt me was my expectations of how things would be, it was all in my head. 

It was them and then it was her, and now it's only me. Yes, this time around I'm dedicating my love to myself. It's necessary for me to love myself, so that I can love anyone else. I want to feel that what they give me is enough, so that I could recognize their love behind their actions and behavior. I don't want to trust the words alone, but all that they give by their actions. I don't want to sit with my insecurities and doubt. I don't want to be blinded by fears, with eyes that see but couldn't feel. I want to see with my heart and feel with my soul. I want it, I desire it, it's the living force that fuel me to dream bigger, and now, desire must drop, and wanting must detach itself from my being, I must be one with my heart and soul. I must keep this promise close to my heart, that whatever that happens to me is an opportunity to grow and evolve. 

After all, all this was love and has always been love.

The Meaning of Being Alive

Sometimes I try to find a meaning to my life, but at some point I just feel like giving up or just ask God to give me a clue. I asked Him what I should do with certain things and I wondered if he actually hear me, but however I know that He would give me a meaning even if I didn't ask. 

It was hard to live a life where you couldn't see a point or meaning in what you were doing or even thinking. Like walking around with a body without any vitality, just exist but not really is "there" to realize that life was meaningful. I'm not sure why I thought my life was wasted or unworthy, and certainly I wasn't sure if being alive or exist has a meaning to anyone. I thought about it a lot and did my best to understand the meaning behind my existence. I beat myself up every time I couldn't find the answer, so I started to criticize myself for being useless, for being stupid etc. 

Being online had somehow given me a meaning to exist, because there I could be myself and took off my mask, because when someone asked me how I felt, I would be honest and actually share my feelings. I was an introvert, I didn't speak much, I wasn't popular at school, so I didn't have so many friends, but when I finally took a step outside my comfort zone, and getting to know more people, I become more sure about my abilities to care and be there for people, I got more friends. It was one particular girl that I bonded really fast. She was a friend of a friend and we got introduce to each other. I didn't thought that we would bond so fast, because we were different, but there were one thing we both have in common, it was our openness, she was herself from the beginning, she never make an excuse for being herself, she was also very friendly and I felt that I like talking to her. It was strange, because I have seen her once before, but never thought that we would ever meet or become friends. Anyway, we talked a lot and found out that we had a lot in common. After talking with her, and since I lived in another town, we started to write letters to each other. 

I felt I can be myself around her and I could tell her how I felt, for the first time without being online, but in real life. She accepted me and my behavior, though I never behaved poorly or bad. I was just being me that time with my emotions. It was a beginning of our friendship, that I also accepted her for who she was; we are best friends now, and we has always been open to each other about how we felt and neither one of us manipulate the other to feel bad about how we felt or who we was; I'm truly lucky to have her as my best friend.

So, now I really think about it again, about the meaning of my life. The first meaning God gave me for being alive and exist was my siblings, the second was my mom and the third was my best friend. After realizing how my existence affect them, I become more sure about life and its meaning. More and more meaning adds up in my life. I become more and more open about my feelings for other people, I'm not saying that I'm not scare to open myself up for people I like, I'm still afraid sometimes, but it doesn't hinder me to be myself or make me want to crawl back to my cave. I hit the balance between being an introvert and extrovert. Life is more interesting now, there's more meaning to it than never before. I'm sure that we exist for a reason, even though we couldn't understand it now, doesn't mean that we would never understand it. 

For those who are depress or alone, don't give up life to soon, even though I know it's hard, even harder to not thinking of killing yourself when the pain is taking over you and your loneliness become like a dark hole. Believe me, I was there, I was also a victim of my depression and the suicidal thought kept crossing my mind. It wasn't a day I didn't think of hating myself for being so depress or that I wasn't worthy to receive any love, but somehow I wasn't alone, I had myself, the person that who would never gave up on myself was me. It wasn't me alone who sticking up to me, a piece of the divine was with me and is still with me. God gave me His divinity, a source inside me and my motivator to keep me staying alive.

Don't freak out when I talk about God, He/She might not exist for you, but whatever it is you perceive to be the source of your life, believe it, have faith in it. Don't forsake your hope to believe that you also is meaningful and worthy of love and a healthful life. Take back your power, and look at yourself as someone worthy of your love, your life has a meaning the day your were conceived, don't forget to search for your meaning if you haven't found it, keep looking, those who search will eventually find it.