God; Love; Me; ... Us

It all begin with a hallow space in the heart, and the soul seems to just shrink in size which couldn't fit in the hollow space in the heart at all. It was too small, it didn't fit in, but get swallowed completely and so the soul disappear. I search for a while, but didn't know what I was searching for. 

First and foremost, I tried to find the meaning to life by walking in my parents shoes, but somehow it didn't fit me. I stumble while having them on, I fell several times since it was too big for my feet and I almost crawl, hell yes, I did crawl. I thought meaning to life was to sacrifice myself, in hope to find myself useful for my parents, but then I got myself lost in the role I played as a daughter. I spent my time trying to impress them, doing things that I thought might fill my heart; that hollow space which seems to swallow everything I came across. It swallowed my role as a daughter as well and being obedient and respectful towards my parents with much higher authority than me was less satisfying than I thought, because it means I have to swallow my pride and my voice for justice against them. There were so many things I would want to do, but I was restricted to do them since they fear I might fail in the process of doing them. There weren't room for failure and I didn't get to learn to stand up for myself and make my own choice. Wearing their shoes and walking theirs path was tiring, because I didn't get to be a child with wonder and curiosity, I had to grow as fast as I could so the shoes will fit me... I had to play my role as a obedient daughter.

One day, I was to beat up and tired that I resigned my duty as a daughter and wander across the ocean to find myself. A pilgrimage to find something to fit that hallow space. I put aside the meaning of life and search for love. I thought finding someone to give me love was easy, wasn't it just pleasing my beloved and give them everything I had and they will give me the love I need back? But before I could please and give I had to find my beloved. So I tried first with them boys, even though I felt that my heart wants girls, but my mind feared I might get to abnormal that no one in the end want to be with me, so I checked in with the boys, the cool type and mr.popular, but I find it hard to open myself up, since that hollow space seems to swallow my feelings as well. I tried to suggest a date here and there, but none of them was interested. One particular guy said I was a bit ugly so he refused to date me and didn't even want to hang out or be my friend. I looked in the mirror and believed him, I was ugly, I was a teenager without nice clothes and make up, I wasn't like the other girls, I was label the odd one. Miss ugly didn't get a date, I played that role too. I feared to show my face and become shy and introvert that it was difficult to talk to me, and since I was taught to swallow my voice I didn't say much to anyone. I believed them that I was ugly. 

I checked out, didn't want to try the boys anymore, they gave me bad vibes. I moved on to the girls, but not openly. I tried the internet and was open and somewhat myself. Finally, I met someone online. She was ok, a vietnamese and we met, I wasn't in love with her, but she liked me and we end up dating and become a couple. Hurray I thought, finally I have found love, but I didn't know that it was not what I had in mind. It was difficult, suddenly the hallow space started to spit out my feelings (more like emotions). I got jealous and worried because of something she said with her friends and since I already felt that I wished to share them with her, but it didn't end so good since she broke up with me. We met online and I got dumped online *shaking head*. I was devastated and broken and wished the hollow space would swallow me in as well, but it didn't... I got stuck. 

Weeks passed and I got somewhat better and felt that I still have hope, I was done playing the role of an unpopular and ugly girl. Even though I was broken, I still believed that something could change my appearance, that was why I was willing to try make up. I found magic in make up and started to trust my creativity, I painted my face as beautiful as I could, got my brows plucked and wear comfy stylish clothes. I snapped picture of me here and there, in many different angle and then uploaded them on my profile. I felt somewhat satisfied, because there were girls who wanted to meet me, they gave me compliments and I had so much fun dating online that I forgot the brokenness for while. 

In my heart, I still believe that love was everything even though that hollow space become bigger as I grow up. In my mind I still believed I should find my beloved so that she will fill the void in that hollow space... I was wrong and to be honest, I met countless of girls, but my void was emptier than before. None of them was my true beloved, none of them could fill my void, earthly love was difficult to attain. So much sacrifice for nothing and my emotions started to build up. I become weary and burned out because of the pilgrimage that I stopped walking entirely and started to cry. Salty tears that I tasted was truly healing, because I felt once I let the hollow space be hollow I could accept that I couldn't fill it with earthly love, duty and playing roles I wasn't suited for. I was done with sacrificing. I wanted to understand and attain true love and I wished to feel free.

Many years passed and I met people on my path, they all taught me valuable things I could use for later. I abandon earthly love and was in frantic search for freedom. Fortunately, I met this man. This particular man thought me to unlock my heart so I could dive into my hollow space. The void which was empty was no longer terrifying. Emotions from that void was living there in that hollow space. He taught me to be myself, to let go of judgment and turned negative thoughts to positive one, he taught me to be honest about my feelings and open myself up for the possibilities to feel loved, and no one was needed to fill that void or fit in that hollow space... I didn't need anyone, the beloved was myself, the beloved was God. If God was in there, and I'm the beloved, wouldn't I be; God? 

Being myself, honest and open, means being love in action, and if it's love then it's naturally to attract like minded, all I need to remember is that I'm love. My soul magically appear, it didn't shrink as I thought it did, it was maybe so big that I couldn't see it, not until I was allow to while diving my head first into the hollow space. My soul didn't disappear, I just couldn't see it with my heart close. I had to plunge into my hollow space and open my heart to see it. It was miraculously unbelievable to finally feel loved and become one with that hollow space. I was finally home, and now I can accept the role that suited me best. Godly words can't describe how much of a Goddess I am. God; love; Me; ...US. 

Blessings

Miracle