The Wounded Child

Who hear her cry when no one is around, who hear her scream when the night has fallen down. Who has shut the gate to heaven and left her here all alone. I wonder what keeps her saint, I remember she wasn't the only one who left home, but among billions of people she felt she was stranded alone. 

For her, anxiety was the way of living, her life was drained and she succumb into the feeling of helplessness, she was wounded and hurt to the point where tears kept falling down her cheeks every night the sun has settle down. She was a victim of her emotions, they kept haunting her every time she closed her eyes. Somehow she felt nobody would ever understand her loneliness or cure her from thinking that everything is hopeless and without meaning. The feeling of emptiness was all she has and that's how she would describe herself when someone ask her how she feel.

Depression got under her skin, she couldn't scratch it away, so she tore her flesh open while watching the blood ease the pain. It felt so good and she felt so free. One line of blood, two lines of bloods, they kept piling up outside her skin. She marked herself and counted the days; one hundred days and she still feels this way; broken in pieces.

Give her hope and pray for her, all she needs is little of your time and love. Share and care for the person that she trapped inside herself; a little wounded child that needs attention from herself and everyone around.

Passion In Life

I was once awake, but then I slowly went into hibernation and fell into a dreamworld where I never wanted to be awake again. Something just slowly blossoms inside of me, it took roots in my heart and stirred my soul. I think I can't never be the same again. Where there is hollow and empty spaces I'm there to fill it up. Where there are tears and broken dreams I'm there to rekindle a spark in theirs heart, but then I wish someone would do the same for me. 

I was once a broken glass, which glue couldn't glue me back, but being shattered by the hands that made me, deformed me into this person I could no longer recognize. I was there watching myself transformed even though my mind couldn't perceive what was happening to me, my soul ached to know the supreme power of change. Yes, I was changed, but why have I lost my passion to live? Why do I roam around looking for something I have never had? Maybe the longing for unity made me this way. Storms can't be prevent, but there will always be a place or someone to give me shelter. I still have hope in humanity, and faith in God, maybe that's enough to restore my passion in life again? 

Thoughts of Nanushka

We do not have to rely

upon memories

to recapture the spirit

of those we have loved and lost -

they live within our souls

in some perfect sanctuary

which even death

cannot destroy -

From The Thoughts of Nanushka Vol VII-XII - Nan Witcomb

A Way Out

Go Ahead And Love

If loving someone, why being afraid to tell them? If wanting someone, why afraid to let them know? The thing we want the most is love, then why are we so afraid to show it? Your mind denied your affection for someone soul, it won't let you open up, because it threaten you, make you fearful, that you might be rejected for how you feel. 

If loving someone is to let them go, and not wanting to possess them as something you own, then you are one step up the ladder, you are loving unconditional. It's hard, but it's something worth trying. Your breath will be short, your heart will pound like crazy, your eyes might spill tears, but what is better than to love and be loved in return? Even though your love is unrequited, isn't it enough to just love without expectations and desire. 

But love without desire is mostly not passionate, if you love so much that your heart ache then it's the desire to love without any inhibition, you should honor that aching, a rose without thorns is not a rose. A love without desire is not love truly, even whatever that desire must be, but if it must be anything, then let that desire be to love without expectation, let it be unconditional. Because a long the line, you are just a soul experience a human form, but it's not impossible to love unconditional. You just have to learn the art of loving yourself, your feelings and your thoughts. If you are afraid to love, your heart will always direct you towards someone who will crack you open so that you can take a peek inside yourself and see that love is all there is.

Maybe to love is painful and hard, when the time spending together ends, but isn't it worth saving the memories and cherish time spend together? Love never end truly, but we just believe that this is the only life we have, but who know about the life after that or the life before that. Maybe we should let love decide our destiny. Whatever brought us here are watching over us. We must trust that love and have faith and patience with ourselves so that we might understand why we fear the thing we want the most. 

To persuade love to cleanse our pain and heartache are the only remedy we need to go on. What we fear the most, is what we need to love the most. Our fears aren't there for no reason. It learn us to honor our feelings, to not resist to face it and make it our friends instead of our enemies. Love is not complex, it's quite simple, the only reason is that our thoughts make it more difficult to understand our underlying fears towards it. While our heart paints our love with all the color it inhabit, our soul is eager to try once more and direct its love towards someone or something so we won't feel shallow or lonely. Go ahead, love with all your faults and imperfections, no one needs to know that you have feared to love or shed tears when glooming thoughts appear in your mind. 

Do Not Miss Your Dream

Chasing someone that runs away from you is exhaustible, waiting for them to come are agonizing. Even harder is it to pretend that you don't care. And then ignore your five senses, that's when your sixth sense comes in handy, but how do we open our heart without the mind interfering with our desire to be vulnerable? Maybe just plunge into the water, but that would be like suicidal when you haven't been taught to swim. Going down or getting up? Fighting with the logic of the mind or lying dormant waiting for the desire to take over? Should I be in control or let it go out of control? Left or right, true or false? 

Frustration doesn't help the heart any better. Then change is imminent, change is necessary. When peace is attain, everything falls into place. To change my thoughts and my navigations, I can steer towards the future with good conscience, and I hope the mind won't try to shackle me down in chain. Disturb my soul, it needs to wake up, it needs to stay guard so my mind won't disturb me and prevent me from falling asleep. Sleep; because dreams are better than reality. 

Finding You

You Are A Part of Me

My Imagination

I'm dreaming, to steal glances at you while you sit beside me, then I will reach out my hand to touch your. I will hold it in my hand and look into your eyes before I lay a gently soft kiss on your lips. We may be world apart, but still my heart is at your place since my mind seems to wander of to where you are. 

Imagining that the world stand still for a moment when our lips meet for the first time, the world is just a blur when we both are together. We might can't stop time, but being with you in that moment will last an eternity. And I might not be satisfied with just an eternity, because being away from you make my heart longing to see you again, but still I'll cherish that moment where I pine and yearn after to hold you in my arms. 

The clock is ticking away my yearning, my heart beats rhythmically to your heart beats, and my soul dance such a feverish dance by the thoughts of you. Think how it would be like if this become our reality, while in my mind it's already so real as it could be.

From The Same Source

Somewhere I belong to the desert land, anywhere else I can't find the thirst to understand what love is. If I lost myself and my heart, I'll not bow down and feel defeated but stay strong and keep faith. Look at the sky, many clouds could go awry in a blink of an eye, make raindrops fall heavily down the earth, but still, the sky stay the same.

Who can be sure of what tomorrow might bring, and who would understand that the heart which never betray the soul will be cheated by the mind to believe that eternity is finite. Ego speaks the language of the mischievous devil, while the spirit keep silence because it knows that there is no need to prove it existence.

You can find contentment in books and trust that it would not lead your soul astray. Books are old souls written in words, some are for entertaining, some are to guide you through your life and some might not be at all trusting, but in them you will find the knowledge to stand against the enslavement of the Ego.

Even when the universe is boundless and vast you will never get lost, because your soul knows the way back to where you belong. The stars are magically lit up upon your path, don't get frighten by the darkness. All are bound together, even the light and darkness are made from the same source. That's why we are not that different from one another. 

Closer

When I'm lost, look for me, when I'm scared hold me close and hug me tight. In this world we don't own anything, but we still believe that which belong to us will always come back. Deep down in my heart I still believe that you will come back one day. You gave me a sign, a green light that I might act upon, but I'm too scare that you might disappear again. We have been through, the long chase, you were once there and then you left, you got back, but still you didn't want to settle and disappear again.

I was always chasing you, frantically and desperately, you were the runner and I'm the chaser. We were both afraid of the intense and intimate relation of our past to really stand still at one place face to face. Our beginning never reach the end. You might not be a part of my life, but you will never be apart from my heart. 

Love Letters

Even When There's Silence

How is that I find the joy in silence. The peace and the serenity, they dawned upon me like snowflakes. You have come into my life just like a gift I'm eager to open. In the waiting for you my longing seems to pile up inside my heart. Waiting and longing are inseparable, one comes first then the other follow. Each morning the sunbeams glowing through my curtains and adds more joy to my life. The dreams I had was close to reality, and each time I go to bed and lie my head on the pillow I think of you. I close my eyes and imagine how your sweet lips would touch mine. Your existence resolved the mysteries upon my dreams. I climb the staircase one by one when we speak the night away, and for each step I take, I'm getting closer to your soul. Mine soul or your soul would be the same, because we both are infuse with the same light. 

If I take the first step would you meet me half way? You give me a reason to not look back at the time tears were rolling and falling down from my eyes, and another reason to believe that I can once again fall in love. It's possible and without thinking the door to my heart has already been open to welcome you inside. You live there inside my heart and with the hope and the faith that tomorrow will brings us even closer. I live for that day and the only time I'm finding myself longing for someone so precious as you, my joy become more ecstatic even when there's silence.

Falling in Love

FALLING in love 
is a recurring illness -
the heady nights
and dizzy days,
the raging fever
and the pain -
recovery - 
slow convalescence
with the uncertainty
of where and when or if
this wondrous sickness
will strike again . .

A Stranger

An Unsuspected Journey

As I grew up, I didn’t know how to actually find love and I wonder why I tried to search for it, but somehow it was because I felt I didn’t have it. What I experienced throughout my childhood was nothing but pain. I felt that I was powerless and fragile. I suffered, but didn’t really know that I suffer. I was told many things, and most of them was very destructible. I felt crushed under a pile of words. They were like bricks that fell onto my head. Sometimes like arrows penetrating my heart. I suffered great deal from those mean words my mom used to say to me when she got mad. Sometimes I didn’t even know why she was mad. The only thought I had was because I did something wrong. As a child I didn’t know much, but my mom taught me many things, and one of them was how to please people, mostly her. I never knew that I could choose a better option for myself and say the word «no». I never utter the word no to anyone when they ask me to do them a favor. I really wanted to say no, but never knew how. Because I was taught to be an adult at the age of 4, that was when my little sister and little brother came to this world and made me a big sister. Of course I learned how to take care of them as I was taught to please the adults. Things were already difficult, and my mom didn’t make it easier. She had her moments when everything was bliss and joy, but she could changed her mood very abruptly. Clear sky could become cloudy and stormy. Thunder might even strike us in the face as in a slap. Everything could possibly happen to us if she was mad enough. And usually she was mad out of no reason. 

I was a submissive child who carry a lot of worries on my shoulder at a young age and the time I grew up, I become more silent and melancholy. My mom had already made me into something I wasn’t proud of. It was hard for me to feel proud of myself, because she has never really expressed that she was proud of me. She often used to threat me with her words by saying that she won’t love me if I don’t do as she said. Sometimes when I really stand my ground and said no or even show a little emotion she would smack me and made me feel small and powerless. I become fearful to her. And learned that I couldn’t say no or else I would not have a place in her heart or she might abandon me for myself. I didn’t know that what she made me believe then was wrong or unreasonable. The only thing I knew then was that it hurt, doesn’t matter if it was words she said or the pain from a smack. 

All those things made me questions my life and my existence, hence the search for love and acceptance was even greater. I didn’t realize that I embark on a journey that lead to who I am today. A journey that made me stand out and become different from the rest of my friends and family. Along the line where I searched for the truth and freedom, I couldn’t erase all those negatives comments she made about me. And the worst thing was that I still carry her lessons about how to please and never to say my opinions. Somehow I thought it damage me more than it already does, but the true learning about oneself is through pain, the greater the pain, the greater is love. 

Throughout my teenage years I had believed that I was less than good, I had to please others to be accepted and always agreed so I can feel that I’m loved. My melancholy grew ever so bigger as the time pass by, and I felt like I lost everything each time my mom get mad at me for the thing she made me believed to be my fault. It was useless to cry in front of her, she never accepted it, she even said that it was crocodile tears, but even though the craziness seems endless the only thing that kept me saint was my search for the truth, the love and the freedom. My heart used to ache because of sorrow, and I could never emptied it, even an ocean of tears couldn’t ease my pain. It was horrible and I felt I was living in hell. The pain and suffering was so great that I sometimes wanted to kill myself, but something inside me told me to keep going. And I kept going, the only reason was I already had so much love for my younger siblings and always wanted the best for them. I wanted to give them a better future and everything I wish I had but never really felt that I have; love and acceptance. Somehow they kept me going further and further into every crack and nook in my own depth of sorrow. It was like going through a tunnel, only that light was at the end of the tunnel, but I felt I never reached it. I then accepted my faith and understand that caring for my younger siblings was my duty. So I tried my best to be perfect at all time, but only to know that I failed miserly.

Another thing that kept me saint was my computer and the internet. When I connect online, chatting with people that I found on the dating site or MSN truly made me feel more like myself. I was humble, wise and caring. Witty and fun to talk with. I made more friends there than in real life even though I do write letters to my friends from time to time. But I did feel like the only thing that could truly make me happy was the internet and the people I was chatting with. Because only there I could feel relax and myself. I was allow to take off my mask and be real. I become more confident also, because people seems to like me. Some even said they were in love with me, even though they haven’t met me yet. I got caught in the web, literally. I was always finding time to spend on the internet, and sometimes neglect my chores. The internet become my life, and when even at school where there are computers connect with internet I would get online to check my e-mails and other messages. I was hooked. I felt that the computer and internet saved me from my pain and the suffering lessen, but the downside to it was, it was only a virtual life, it wasn’t real. I was still submissive in the real world, I was still melancholy and silent. I was an introvert. Shy and didn’t talk much. It was too good to be true, even how much realness I brought into my words when I chat with people, but it didn’t really changed the way I was in real life. 

Later when I turned 16, a chance dawned upon me. I had finally given the choice of moving alone or moving back with my older sister in Lillehammer. It was so easy to make a choice that I didn’t have to think it through. I wanted to move alone, because being a babysitter for my siblings really weight me down and as they also have their own personality and I never had the heart to yell or scream at them when they fight with each other or didn’t listen to what I said. I could be mad, but the only thing I did was to be silent and sullen. I took the chance I got and move out for myself, my mom didn’t help much, she didn’t find a place for me to live in or anything, but fortunately I already befriended a guy on the internet, and he was helping me so I could rent a room in an apartment with two other men from his friend that owned the apartment. It was such a thrill to be living for myself that I didn’t think it through. Especially how to deal with men and other people that approached me. I was very naive, but the safest thing I did was to keep for myself as long as I could. The room was actually very small, but the rent was  cheap, so I get by, thus the journey begin. 

Only You

Only you
I choose among the entire world.
Is it fair of you
letting me be unhappy?

My heart is a pen in your hand.
It is all up to you
to write me happy or sad.

I see only what you reveal
and live as you say.
All my feelings have the color
you desire to paint.

From the beginning to the end,
no one but you.

Please make my future
better than the past.

When you hide I change
to a Godless person,
and when you appear,
I find my faith.

Don’t expect to find
any more in me
than what you give.

Don’t search for
hidden pockets because
I’ve shown you that
all I have is all you gave.

Translated by Nader Khalili

Patience

Soul Mates

The Place Most People Fail To Notice

I’m at lost for words to describe the way I feel. Usually when my emotions start to make a havoc in my life, I will use words to silence them and make the chaos to subside. But it has been years and years without me even touch the keyboard to write a decent piece of art. I call it art, because that’s what feelings are. They painted your life in most amazing way. You can either thank them or curse them for the upheaval they cost you to feel. You can cry because of them, or you can laugh when you understand how ridiculous they’re sometimes. Usually because of the way you think that created those feelings in the first place. I think if you really listen to your thoughts and shed some lights on them, you will understand that they actually are not at all there to make you feel less than you are. Even though it could feel like that sometimes, the only way to really understand yourself is to actually make time to be alone and sits with your thoughts. Many people fears to be alone because they’re afraid of their own thoughts and how thoughts can make them feel about themselves, but actually when you really make time to be with yourself, you will get to know the person behind your thoughts. You will no longer feel that you are an empty shell with no depths. It could be scary at first when you approach your inner depth, but when you do it many times and start to get to know the real you underneath the surface you will actually be more confident in who you are. 

Sometimes we aren’t conscious about the fact that we are afraid to be alone. We think it’s boredom to be alone and not having anything to do, and when we actually are alone we tried to avoid to listen to our own  thoughts and start finding someone to keep us in company or just getting busy doing something else rather than to hear what we actually think. It took me awhile before I really understand that I have been avoiding the alone time by finding stuff to do, I was always busy finding someone to talk with and never really listen to myself and understand why I sometimes felt empty and lonely. 

My childhood wasn’t perfect and there were always time my parents argued and made things difficult for me and my siblings to feel appreciated and loved, so the feeling of emptiness and loneliness stem from that upbringing. I guess most of us have had bad experiences from early on and as we grew up we didn’t learn how to deal with those emotions that made us feel less than we are. I believe that there are many people like me who try their best to search for the love they felt they never had. I also think that the people before me also did embark on that journey to find themselves and the love they so dearly desire. No matter who and in what age, younger or older than me, we both share the same wish. We wish to feel loved and accepted as we are. 

So why is it so important to be alone and listen to our thoughts? Because only when we are conscious about our thoughts pattern can we resolve them in a more positive way instead of letting those thoughts making us fearful and destroy our chance to be happy. Some of the thoughts aren’t really ours to begin with. We might have adopt them from the people near us or from the society and media. We might even pick them up in the supermarket or in crowded place full of people. I have read and heard that thoughts are actually energies. They come in ripples and can expand in multitude ways and from what I know we actually identify ourselves with them thoughts. When we identify ourselves with those thoughts, we think that we are them, and yes, it’s possible that we can be those thoughts, because Buddha once said «We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.» 

So how do we purify our minds? I think to purify our minds we must first hear what we actually think in the daily basis. You have probably heard about meditation, if not then I must mention it here, since I have actually practice it for awhile and really benefit from it. My mind become much clearer and I can be more aware of what I think. Meditation is not just sitting at one place. There are multitude way to do it. In this time of age, many are having difficulties getting time to meditate, because usually when you meditate you will have to sit at one place and doing nothing. That’s how you can relax better and not being distract. But I have experience that I can still meditate while washing the dishes or taking a walk. Everything lies in the breathing. For example when you are conscious on your breathing, notice the feeling of touching the water, how your hands washing the dishes, you might do it slow or fast, doesn’t matter how you do it, just be in that moment and feel. Start noticing that everything become silent. Your thoughts are coming in many different forms. Maybe it’s joyful thought, maybe it’s a anxious thought. No matter what thoughts that come, just let them flow by your mind, don’t get attach to them, just listen. When you do it often enough you will understand yourself and your feelings better. 

While we tends to search for peace and happiness outside ourselves we neglect to really go inside of us and listen to our heart. The joy, the happiness and the peace have always been inside our heart. We just fail to notice it. That’s the only true place where we can truly be all that we want to be. What most of us really desire the most is love and peace. That’s what I believe to be true. The true power is not to know everything or attain a lot of knowledge, but to really love everything and attain peace. Maybe I’m wrong to believe that, but I have hope in humanity and faith in God. What He has created is beyond our imagination. The universe is vast and there are galaxies and planets out there that are far more bigger than ours. To be living on this earth are our blessing. Isn’t it amazing that we share this earth with each other throughout many generations and still our species has survived? Our problems are smaller than we think they are. Just take a break from everything and really go deep inside yourself, find some alone time and discover the universe that lies inside your heart. Thoughts are merely energy, and they really shape your reality, so what you think can affect the life you live. The only place most people fail to notice are really their hearts.