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Crystallized Butterfly

“Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.” ― Kahlil Gibran

Thursday, November 21

Forgiveness And Understanding; God.


"Never forget the three powerful resources you always have available to you: love, prayer and forgiveness." 

- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

First let me say that I'm blessed. I'm blessed with an open and accepting family and good caring friends who stand by my side. Second, I think I'm better than I think I am.

Even though I have been through lots of dramas in my life and various happenings I still stand tall on my two feet. Life is treating me better now that I've gained the power to discern between right and wrong and how to deal with people that cross my path. I realize that life has always treated me well, I was born to believed that it wasn't so, but I have changed my perception and how I think.

Some people that aren't so familiar with how I am used to fear what I'm telling them. The truth is, I carry a lot of secrets. A dark hollow past that I couldn't shrugged it off. Because it is a part of me. It made me to who I am now in the present. Sometimes it's easy to use it as an excuse to not participate in the social events when I think life is full of challenges, but I have grown tired of parties and being around with lots of people make me feel stuffed. It simply drained me for energies. But I know that I can deal with a large group of people now and then, because I do think that it's a positive challenge. Someday I might stand on a scene talking to young people whose lives depends on other to feel happy and loved. I really want to tell them to love themselves more, because that it's the point in living. Loving themselves and change their perception of themselves and of others.

You see, life happens to us, we live not to do things to get acknowledge for who we are trying to be, but to be acknowledge because we exist. Young people should know that they are worth more than they have learned to believe. So more worthy of love and acceptance. They're not born to earned that, they are born to be loved and to love. If we just taught them how to appreciate what they have more than what they would get, then I think they will be grateful for having a life. Life is so precious. We tends to forget that because we are living in a hectic world. Everyone needs to get to work, worrying that they might not have enough of money to buy things, things that they think would satisfy them, but if they just know that they are rich because they are granted a life they wouldn't having so much worries about how to feed themselves.

I'm aware of the fact that large scale of people in other countries couldn't feed themselves and therefore you might think that maybe having a life for them isn't as fortunate as us, but even so, their lives are precious. But I'm talking to you, who at least have the access to internet and read what I'm writing right now. You are more wealthy than you think you are. So much blessed as any others humans in this world. Wouldn't you take time to count your blessing? Feeling grateful that you have a life? A chance to change yourself or more better; change someone else's life. You count, you make a difference. You're so worthy.

Forget about your past, learn from it and let it go, release your negative emotions and tend to your inner child, I bet it needs a lot of love from you.

I have learned so much by seeking for the truth. I have always been searching for the truth, and I found it, (and I lost it, but at least I know what the truth really is.) The truth is, there's no truth less the truth we are perceiving. Life is truth, you are the truth, not anyone have the same truth, so what? Can't we learn to respect each other view point on how things are? Why do we waste time in arguing, we can discuss, because its give us the chance to understand each other more, but we can't discuss forever of how to living a peaceful life. To live a peaceful life is to act out how we think that would be. We extend kindness when we act in peace and love. We treat people with respect and let them be who they really are. We don't have to change them, because we can't, we can only change ourselves and that would be enough, because people will be affect by us. They will learn how to change themselves if that is what they wish to do.

We tends to judge what we don't understand, but that in itself is innocence, because of our lack of understanding have made us fearful for the unknown. We all have the heart to forgive such behavior because we are made in the same image as God, and God is forgiving. So forgive yourself for judging, and do forgive people who judge you. They don't know you as you yourself know who you really is. No one know who other is, because that's a understanding only for those who really know who they are.

I've made peace with my past and I am less judgemental against myself. Even though I still experience fear of unworthiness. But I affirm to myself that I am good enough and that I love myself as I am.
It was a long process, but it was worth the hour spend on reading books that nurture my soul. When you are in to seek the truth, freedom and love, you will eventually find it. It could take some times before you get to where you want to be, but that is worth it, because you be so much at ease with yourself eventually. So don't be afraid to ask for help, especially God. You can always ask Him for help. Prayers makes wonder in your life. How do I know it? Because I asked God for help. I was nearly on my knees and in a position for praying. I prayed to Him and asked for assistance, and it came. Rushing through the night, when stars are above me. He send me angels in disguise of human beings. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I changed by their affection.

I'm lost in love, and it's such a wonder to be here. I will never want to leave this place. A place so full of forgiveness and love. I am a child of God, and He forgave me for what I have been through, and love me for who I am.
Posted by Crystallize at Thursday, November 21, 2013 0 comments
Labels: Forgiveness, God, LOVE, understanding

Thursday, November 7

Anna Knows


Since the day you were gone, I have been thinking of you, but I was never sad, even though I missed all the things we went through together. I missed you and what we had. It's wasn't perfect, but we were building a solid foundation for our friendship, or so I thought. It was sad to see you go, I can't but keep wonder if I will ever see you again.

Everything that you told me about yourself was mostly what I myself had been through. You told me how difficult it was to be there for everyone; your friends and family. You said you didn't have enough energy to spend on others and you didn't know which side of the fence you're standing on when it comes to love. You were also tired of school, but you kept hanging in there, and I guess you still keep it up and do your best. The difference between us is that I'm giving up too easily, when you still hangs on to the most thing you set yourself up to do.

If I had the same willpower that you had, then maybe my life would be different by now. It's not that I complain or anything, I'm doing fine with what I have right now, so there's not much to complaining about. 

Everything is so faint now, memories about you keeps flickering in my mind. Memories, they belong to the past and I think I should keep it there since moving on is my only option.

Anna would know how I feel. She knows that I'm spending my time thinking of you. The thought about you mesmerized me. I thought about our kiss and the tingling sensation when you brush your fingers through my hair or a simple touch of your hand would send me to a far away galaxy. Anna knows all this.

I have been talking to her, so, Anna knows.
Posted by Crystallize at Thursday, November 07, 2013 0 comments
Labels: anna, RANDOM THOUGHTS

Tuesday, October 29

Once Again


To stand in front of her made it hard for me to breathe, just looking in her eyes made me scared, because I couldn't see myself there. She holds someone in her heart and that somebody isn't me. She is in love with someone else, and that teared me apart. I couldn't do or say anything when she said that we should stop seeing each other. 

I was paralyzed to hear her saying those final words. "I have to do it for myself and him, and because of that I choose this resolution, and that is you. I'll of course miss you and think of you, but this time I have to do it and this is my finally decision. Good bye Amaia, I wish you good luck with everything, and tomorrow will brings you a new day with new possibilities."

Even though it was harsh, but I wasn't shocked by her decision, because it happens very often that she would break it off and leave, but she always came back. I was getting use to it, and I hope she would come back this time as well.

My feelings for her were never a lie, it was all true, even to this day I still keep a spot inside my heart for her, and if she ever wants to return I'll be there with open arms. I'm not saying that I couldn't live without her, because the fact is I can. I'm fine without her, and that's a reality. Sometimes I miss her presence, her message and her voice over the phone. I missed how she needs me, that kind of "need" that made me reliable. She could lean on me whenever she wants, and I'm fine with it. 

Most of the time she made me feel fearful, it wasn't her fault, she wasn't a scary person, but I guess I felt that way because I was scared that I wasn't enough for her, that I wasn't beautiful enough, enough of everything that I thought she would accept me for. I feared that she would leave, something that's now coming true. It was inevitable for me to feel that way, because I was living with most of my baggages. I mean, we will always have to deal with the ghost that haunt us day and night, the most perpetual nightmare that will never ends, so it seems. And to meet someone that you love so much will always brings up the fear to feel unloved. 

But it wasn't a lost, because I gain so many powerful insight about myself. I learned to trust in myself and love myself for who I am. She brought my fear up so I could deal with it once and for all. My spiritual journey began to unfold itself in multiplies ways. I could finally break free from those nightmares that I usually had. I felt like I could put an end to my past and freed myself from salty tears whenever I dwell in it. 

I don't dwell in the past anymore, even though some fraction of it still comes up now and then, but it doesn't bother me so much, I'm not tearing up or feeling depressed because I couldn't stop pitying myself over something that happened ages ago. I'm totally free. This freedom become my revolution. 

Some of us are experience the heart wrenche heartache, and some are more lucky to find a harmonious relationship at the first try; both are there to teach us to love ourselves more and both are necessary for us to grow. But we grow much stronger when we have dealt with an obstacle or a painful separation. We become more whole for each time we step into a new relationship with a new found wisdom because we have learned of the previous relationship. 

Some may never step into the spiritual path, while others found themselves eagerly to continue their spiritual journey and wants to embark further into the deep depth of every nook and cradle to find themselves. I'm one of them, one of those who enjoyed to walk on the path to find myself spiritually. 
I did learned a lot and it was the hard way, but I think I'm blessed because I came out alive and unharmed. This was thanks to God that I believe in so much, even though I in times doubt if He/She exist. (May God forgive me for my doubts.) While I embark on this journey, I pray that I might encounter a new adventure with someone that eventually will let me open up to love, once again.
Posted by Crystallize at Tuesday, October 29, 2013 0 comments
Labels: God, heart, Journey, LOVE, spiritual, STORY

Thursday, October 10

Inspiration Where Are You, (Picture of Me)

The state I'm in; calm and content.

I'm feeling quite satisfied with who I am, even tho I might not be beautiful or smart. I never post any picture of myself in this blog. But maybe I should? So you would see who are hiding behind all these words.

Seriously, I ran out of ideas on how to make this blog more exciting and interesting. It seems like I have lost a part of myself in the process of healing. I don't know, inspiration just stop. I tried my best to squeeze out words to make a good article, but it doesn't happen, even though I really want it to happen.

You probably think that I'm stressing, and yes.. I think I do stress.. a lot. I really want to get my inspiration back. I pray for it.

Anyway.. I think I will keep it simple this time and post a picture of myself.



Here it's me. Nice to meet you. 

Love Crystallized Butterfly
Posted by Crystallize at Thursday, October 10, 2013 0 comments
Labels: INSPIRATION, ME, picture, RANDOM THOUGHTS

Thursday, September 12

A Short Note














Hi,

I haven't been so active on this blog, the main reason is I have been busy living a content life so far and haven't come up with something new to write about. Frankly, I have no idea what I should write, nothing sticks into my mind and lately my mind had been empty. I have no worries (OK I might have some, but nothing big enough to mention) and no problems.

My life is far better than it used to be. I live a very peaceful life, and I think I will continue living this way. I can't stress enough how much I feel blessed to be in this state I am right now. I really don't want to expose so much of my private life on this blog, even though it was the purpose from the beginning. But this is my blog, so I choice whatever I want to write.

So this will be boring and you need not following this blog, because I'm not creative like I used to be. No poetic poems or epic love letter. Just plain and simple words that I squeeze out from my heart. My beating heart is fairly content with how I express myself. If I feel that empty space in my heart again I might write some few lines to share with you or else I think I should just remain silence and let the words echo throughout the silent moments I have with myself.

Just take enough time to contemplate on the word LOVE, that is all I'm asking you to do. May you feel blessed as well.

Sincery
Crystallize Butterfly
Posted by Crystallize at Thursday, September 12, 2013 1 comments
Labels: BORED, CONTENT, LIFE, NOTE

Tuesday, April 9

Spirit



So who am I? I can not consider myself a bitch because I'm too gentle and afraid to hurt people's feelings. I am like the sun rays, trying to make people happy. I used to go to the extreme to please everyone that cross my path or just people in my life that I consider important, but this is no longer who I am. It's not that I don't care, I just understand that I can't satisfied everyone that come my way. I have grown from the depression. The rebellious phase is over, I don't argue when my mom said something that I feel is wrong, I don't say that I agree with everything she said, but I understand how important love is than arguing. I'm diplomatic, I never raise my voice when I'm angry. I keep my silence and trying to re-think and find a solution to the problem. 

I'm not religious, I don't believe in a God that punish you whenever you make a mistake, I don't read the bible, or nor do I believe in what it says there. I believe in the Spirit that flows freely between life to life. Spirit that inhale and exhale us into existent, Spirit that make us feels alive. 

I'm not these words, I can undress myself with words, but in the end, it's the Spirit that dressed me up with personality and character. Spirit make it possible for me to keep going with my life. I can remain unafraid of life, living like I've never been hurt, there're many things that I can, but one thing is for sure, I can't live without the spirit. 

Spirit is my existent, I am the Spirit. That's who I am. Now and forever.


Posted by Crystallize at Tuesday, April 09, 2013 2 comments
Labels: I Am, Spirit

Thursday, April 4

Love Is What You Are








Every now and then I think about leaving my house to go somewhere, I end up staying at home. It’s a comfy place I would not leave because all the memories about home made me feel alive. I don’t say that I never got out of this place, not because I wouldn’t but because there’re so many other memories attached all around the city that made me crave to feel happier. The happiest place for me now is my bed. I sleep there. And I love to sleep. But there’re of course many other things that I love as well. For example a long walk by myself or conversations over a cup of coffee with my best friend. Wherever I go I leave a mark, the marks that will attached to my heart and soul so I will never forget how I end up living at home with my family.

All my life I have been wandering around trying to seek for true love, the search went far and I haven’t found that yet. But after going through some major crisis in life I figure out that true love is something you are not something you find.
Posted by Crystallize at Thursday, April 04, 2013 1 comments
Labels: bed, empty street, heart, marks, memories, soul

Tuesday, March 5

Goodbye



She came and claim her place in my heart, and while I let her stay there inside my chest, I learned to let go. Because her staying wasn't for eternity, she decided once again to leave me like I was a joke. It wasn't funny though and I wish she would think differently, but her insecurity took a hold of her and she went away like she has never arrived. 

Was it her who left me or was it me who chased her away? The questions still linger on my mind and I felt like I become a different person in her eyes, a stranger. We were lover, then we become friends, but now we are two strangers who never look the same way or walk the same path. I don't understand her thinking and she couldn't understand mine. Would the love I have for her bring her back once again, or would it turn sour and bitter? Would the place in my chest become whole again or would it remains a hole that would never covered up? 

What would I do if I meet her on the street? Would it be ok to greet her with a smile? Or maybe she would walk past me without looking at my face.

The past can't be re-written. She has made a descision and I had to let her decide for herself. I wasn't surprised by her action, because it happens way to often. She is like that. Her head is full of things she regrets. Way more than I do. And this one made her miserable. The least thing I can do for her, is to release her from this pain of remebring her past mistake with me. It's sad though, because it wasn't a mistake for me to be her lover. I was her lover until recently, and I thought I would stay that way and still protect our friendship from afar. Now, she gets what she want. A zonefree atmosphere without me in her life. 

She left with a goodbye note last night. It was certainly our last farewell. I wish it was our first hello.
Posted by Crystallize at Tuesday, March 05, 2013 0 comments
Labels: goodbye, heart ache, lost, pain, sad farwell

Thursday, February 21

Heart






















Heart
Beating,
I'm alive
But dead inside. 

Heart
Cramped up
Pain
Exploded 
In my chest. 

Heart,
Shrinked
Left vacant
No one is there

Heart
Someone
Please 
Fill it.  

Posted by Crystallize at Thursday, February 21, 2013 0 comments
Labels: Dead, heart, Hurt

Thursday, February 14

Who Will?



I thought the world would end on christmas, but I was wrong. The day still goes on without a single care of what we might think of it. And no matter what I do, time just wont seems to stop. We - I’m still here. Living this unforfilling life. I bet the teacher don’t even care that I quit classes, what about my classmates? I guess they don’t even recognize me being their classmate at all. Honestly, I don’t seems to care anymore. I wouldn’t mind living or keep going with my life. I’m just like the rest of the people continuing on living like nothing happened. I still have to take injections, still have to wake up, eat, sleep and do my chores like I used to. My search for the truth slowly die out and I don’t even care for the answer anymore. I just want to live a peaceful life. Not just that, but I wish I wasn’t such a coward. A coward that doesn’t give a damn about how my life is going to be like. A coward that doesn’t make a change for myself or not giving enough effort to be a better human. I guess, I’m just being cynic about life and its contains. I just want it all to stop, just stop for a moment so I can catch my breath. I wonder if there’s someone out there who is waiting for me to walk by them, and make it all go away with a single touch. Yes, just a touch that would melt my heart and heat up the frost that lies in there. 
Time is so cruel when it’s slowly ticking away when I want it to move faster, and it’s playing a trick on me, when I want it to slow down it’s moving faster. It doesn’t co-operate with me at all, that just makes it harder and frustrating - unbearable. But still, I have to continue relying on it to keep me going. I wonder who is out there. Who is waiting. Watching and admiring me. Who will? 
Posted by Crystallize at Thursday, February 14, 2013 1 comments
Labels: everyday life, LOVE, picture, sadness, Talk

Thursday, January 31

Wanted


She is somewhere around the corner. Perhaps near the edge of the world. She might be waiting or rushing through the day free like a bird. I would like to know what she is doing and all the most what hides in her mind. I want to look through her eyes and see what she see. I want to feel with her heart so it can touch my soul. I want too much, but my desire shattered like glas hitting the floor. If you crack my heart open, you will see longing drips like tear drops and fills the river with loneliness. 

She is somewhere, so close but yet so far holding the key to the magic door to my heart. 

Posted by Crystallize at Thursday, January 31, 2013 0 comments
Labels: calling out to you, heart, keys, LOVE, passion, soul, touch, waiting

Monday, January 7

Strength



Sometime I wonder what makes me strong, but unluckily I still haven't found out the answer to that yet, on the other hand I think my strength come from the people that is most important to me. They whom stands beside me at all cost. And for that, I'm grateful for their existence.
Posted by Crystallize at Monday, January 07, 2013 0 comments
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Introduction

I, Welcome & Embrace You, into my omniverse full of love, beauty and grace. My omniverse where all things are created within my Heart-Space Sanctuary.

•°*°•¸.•* ✫ •°*°•¸.•* ✫ •°*°•¸.•*

To me, the past is just a story, it's quite interesting, but not a fact, and I am not interested in the person you were, only in -

Who You Are NOW.

I AM,

and Who Are You?

Don't judge people by their appearance or what they wear, they might be an unpolished diamond, more unique than they appear -


"Look beyond yourself and find the truth in your heart. May love be your way of living, each and everyday."


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