To stand in front of her made it hard for me to breathe, just looking in her eyes made me scared, because I couldn't see myself there. She holds someone in her heart and that somebody isn't me. She is in love with someone else, and that teared me apart. I couldn't do or say anything when she said that we should stop seeing each other.
I was paralyzed to hear her saying those final words. "I have to do it for myself and him, and because of that I choose this resolution, and that is you. I'll of course miss you and think of you, but this time I have to do it and this is my finally decision. Good bye Amaia, I wish you good luck with everything, and tomorrow will brings you a new day with new possibilities."
Even though it was harsh, but I wasn't shocked by her decision, because it happens very often that she would break it off and leave, but she always came back. I was getting use to it, and I hope she would come back this time as well.
My feelings for her were never a lie, it was all true, even to this day I still keep a spot inside my heart for her, and if she ever wants to return I'll be there with open arms. I'm not saying that I couldn't live without her, because the fact is I can. I'm fine without her, and that's a reality. Sometimes I miss her presence, her message and her voice over the phone. I missed how she needs me, that kind of "need" that made me reliable. She could lean on me whenever she wants, and I'm fine with it.
Most of the time she made me feel fearful, it wasn't her fault, she wasn't a scary person, but I guess I felt that way because I was scared that I wasn't enough for her, that I wasn't beautiful enough, enough of everything that I thought she would accept me for. I feared that she would leave, something that's now coming true. It was inevitable for me to feel that way, because I was living with most of my baggages. I mean, we will always have to deal with the ghost that haunt us day and night, the most perpetual nightmare that will never ends, so it seems. And to meet someone that you love so much will always brings up the fear to feel unloved.
But it wasn't a lost, because I gain so many powerful insight about myself. I learned to trust in myself and love myself for who I am. She brought my fear up so I could deal with it once and for all. My spiritual journey began to unfold itself in multiplies ways. I could finally break free from those nightmares that I usually had. I felt like I could put an end to my past and freed myself from salty tears whenever I dwell in it.
I don't dwell in the past anymore, even though some fraction of it still comes up now and then, but it doesn't bother me so much, I'm not tearing up or feeling depressed because I couldn't stop pitying myself over something that happened ages ago. I'm totally free. This freedom become my revolution.
Some of us are experience the heart wrenche heartache, and some are more lucky to find a harmonious relationship at the first try; both are there to teach us to love ourselves more and both are necessary for us to grow. But we grow much stronger when we have dealt with an obstacle or a painful separation. We become more whole for each time we step into a new relationship with a new found wisdom because we have learned of the previous relationship.
Some may never step into the spiritual path, while others found themselves eagerly to continue their spiritual journey and wants to embark further into the deep depth of every nook and cradle to find themselves. I'm one of them, one of those who enjoyed to walk on the path to find myself spiritually.
I did learned a lot and it was the hard way, but I think I'm blessed because I came out alive and unharmed. This was thanks to God that I believe in so much, even though I in times doubt if He/She exist. (May God forgive me for my doubts.) While I embark on this journey, I pray that I might encounter a new adventure with someone that eventually will let me open up to love, once again.
